Being Whole.

There are too many words dancing in my head right now. I guess this is what happens when you ignore something for so long. It bursts out once you create a space for them. Lels. So harini kita layankan jea lah.

- Stephen King. (picture from Wani Ardy)

I thought I'd delete the previous post because it is so dark and unlike my usual self. To be truthful, I often write my emotional thoughts and delete them later. But yeah, I guess that all the thoughts, no matter how positive or negative they are, are my thoughts. Everything is pure and real at that moment. I know that being who I am, I'd rather portray only the bright side of my life. But I can't deny the presence of those dark moments. Those moments still make up who I am, along with all the good things that come here and then.

I need it as a remembrance of what I've been through, throughout my whole life. No matter how hopeless and vulnerable it seems at that moment, I want to be a witness of my own survival. I want to be able to see the scar later and thank Allah for being there every single second and helping me to go through everything. I want the scar to be a reminder each time, to be thankful to Allah.

I write the most when I am in one of these two states - whether I am in love, or I'm broken. Or both. And what is written depends on which state I am in. I hope that you'll be able to see through the not-so-bright side of mine and accept me in both of those states :)

Poisonous Thought.

I am never good with spoken words. I hate explaining in front of people why I act certain ways - especially the negative ones; why I feel sad, why I feel mad. It feels like admitting something I am not proud of. But my feeling is a disease. Once it is bottled up inside, it unleashes something ugly inside of me. As if my thoughts were poisoned and I have to struggle to control it.

Writing is the cure. Writing is what keeps me sane. Writing is the way I spill everything without the worry of being judged.

But God knows how long have I neglected the need of writing things down, because all this while I forced myself to edit my thesis if I ever feel like writing anything. Sounds like poyo much, but honestly that was what I did. I know that neglecting and not admitting my feelings have its consequences. Now that I have some time for myself, all the bottled up feelings drained my thoughts, wanting my attention so bad. I end up being a very conflicted person inside.

---

I wish I can say that things are all good. But they're not. Sometimes I got tired, sometimes I feel like things are getting harder day by day, and sometimes I seriously, seriously feel like giving up. There are times when things are good, and I cherish those little moments. But every other time, life is a fighting battle, and the greatest battle comes from within.

With all these thoughts, I am turning into someone I do not want to be. I have doubts. I wish I were carefree enough to not give a care about my study, to start over my life and do the things I love doing. Effort seems more worthy if you struggle for the things you love. I wish things end soon. I badly want to start over.

Trust me, I myself am disgusted with the negativity that was piled up inside. I just need to write it, so that I could admit that this ugly thought is real, and so that I can deal with it instead of denying it. I want to be better. I really want to be a better person. Seikhlas hati, mohon doakan.

I'll Take You Home.

Semoga sentiasa dalam jagaan dan peliharaan Allah.

Ini yang aku sering titipkan pada insan-insan yang aku sayang. Alangkah aku ingin menjelaskan betapa itu adalah sebuah doa yang ikhlas untuk kau. Doa yang sepenuh-penuh harapan pada Dia sebab aku memang betul-betul rasa helpless, dan doa itu timbul kerana aku sedar hakikat Allah mengetahui setiap apa yang berlaku terhadap hambaNya, and no matter where you are, He is there. He will always look after you. And I really want to look after you but I can't, but Allah is the most powerful and He knows better what's in your heart. How you really feel inside. Sebuah doa yang timbul sebab aku harap yang dipelihara bukan saja jasad, malah hati, jiwa, dan minda kau.

Dan kalau Allah tunjukkan pada aku yang kau adalah salah satu tujuan aku dihidupkan dan dipanjangkan nyawa di muka bumi ni pun, aku redha. Because you're worth it. Sungguh, definisi cinta yang Allah wujudkan untuk hambaNya ni sebenarnya luas. Cinta yang aku rasa ni, memang cinta yang sungguh-sungguh, cinta yang tahap aku minta Allah pelihara sebab entahlah, I have no exact words to describe how you've changed my life, how you're one of the reason why I am who I am right now.

I wish I could tell you to just go home whenever you tell me you're tired and you want to go home, because a part of me want you here with me as well. A part of me want you to go home, because all I wanted was to hug you ever so tightly and comfort you and tell you that I am right here for you but I can't and I won't. Because I know you're stronger than you think you are. Allah knows that you could endure more than you think you could. I want you to move on, move as long as you can. I'll be right behind you. Kalau Allah percaya kita boleh jadi kuat, kenapa kita tak percaya dengan diri kita sendiri, kan? :)

Allah is teaching you something great. We may not know what is it yet but you are a great person. You are so very special in my eyes. Please, please know that. So I want you to move on. I'll be right here for you biiznillah.


Don't worry about being home. You're home now, here in my heart.

"The Day Will Come When You'll Be Glad You Didn't Give Up."

Hi assalamualaikum.

I felt so overwhelmed by the things that happened to me today that I need to share it with you guys.

This week is a hectic week for us all because we need to propose our PSM topics to our supervisor to be discussed. I swear if you could take a look into my mind right now, there's nothing else but all the mixed up issues and topics regarding construction industry. We need to at least find two topic proposals for our research to be submitted next week.  So far I have only discussed with my supervisor about one topic, which is a case study to be conducted regarding school projects in Johor Bahru. My second topic area is quite vague so my supervisor advised me to discard it and find another topic.

So today I called several departments in charge for the school projects. None of the calls were answered. I started to feel really down, so I decided to take a nap to let my mind rest for a while because my mind has been working non-stop. Imagine last night I accidentally woke up and I can't go back to sleep so I thought about my research topic, at 3 in the morning, and I have class at 8.00 a.m -__- Okay, so when I woke up from my nap and before I had my lunch, I decided to give it a try again. At my second attempt, finally someone answered me. Let's skip this part because there's a lot of passing my call to department here and there before I could speak with the right person. Finally, the person in charge told me that I need to first write a letter to Pusat Islam Iskandar and they'll consider if I could collect all the information I need for my case study. I had many experiences of meeting people in the working environment and I know when it involves data collection, the process is very time consuming and I couldn't even be certain that I could get full access to the data.

That was the moment when I knew I was in trouble.

For your information, before we need to submit our topic proposal (which is next week), we need to consider where could we obtain the data and we have to be certain that the data is accessible. Imagine that after you submitted your topic and your topic is accepted, but suddenly you couldn't obtain any data because it is confidential for example, your PSM is considered a failure and you need to drop the subject, which means you need to extend another year to propose another research. ANOTHER FREAKING YEAR. God, even just thinking about it makes me feel stressful.

I asked for my supervisor's advice and even she advised me to find another topic. I was so stressed out. So I took a moment for myself and I genuinely prayed to Allah to help ease my way. I was really in need of His help. I was so close to giving up, I almost cried and I had to convince myself to stay calm, up to the point that I told myself out loud not to cry. I put all my hope, my faith to Him. I asked Him to make me stay composed even in hard times.

Before I could let myself feel disappointed and give up, I decided to go to my faculty information center (BIC), to look up for previous research topics, in case going through the titles could help me find new ideas to come up for my research.  I was so done depending on my friends to help me with this problem because it is mine and I don't want to burden them, so I went there alone. Then, a miracle happened :)

When I arrived at BIC, I met Dr. Rosli. Dr. Rosli is a senior lecturer who has recently retired, and his experience in QS profession is topnotch. I was surprised to see him there, well, considering he didn't work in our faculty anymore. I didn't know what he saw in me, but I guess he felt pity that I was alone struggling to find the topics. Ha ha. We had a little chat. He asked who my supervisor is, which area of study am I interested in, etc. Then, he started to share his knowledge and experience. Lastly, he gave me ideas about research topics in my preferred areas. He really gave me a lot of ideas. Like, really lot. I felt so inspired, I felt like crying at that moment. I thank Allah for sending him there, at the right moment when I really needed it. I am so grateful for his kindness, and His kindness. I thought about how He really listened to my prayer. I felt really undeserved, because I have sinned a lot, yet He still listened to my prayer and granted it. I came back to my room feeling so blessed, and my spirit is uplifted again. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal :)

Imagine if I give up earlier, I wouldn't go to BIC, I wouldn't meet Dr. Rosli. I wouldn't have any new ideas regarding my research topic. Sungguhlah, Allah yang menggerakkan hati tadi. Thank You.

BFF vs BF.

Hi assalamualaikum.

Aku ada seorang kawan yang mengadu pada aku yang dia dipulaukan kawan-kawan disebabkan kawan-kawan dia terasa bila dia mengutamakan bf dia. Sebelum ni dia duduk di blok yang jauh sikit sebab malas nak bersua muka dengan kawan-kawan yang memulaukan dia tu. Sekarang dia dah duduk dengan kitorang, barulah dia cakap, nasib baik ada lagi orang sudi nak berkawan dengan dia. Entahlah, bagi aku, walaupun apa yang dia buat tu salah, tapi macam tak sedap jugalah pulaukan orang. Padahal dah kawan lebih dua tahun. Bagi aku, memang lumrah manusia lah bila seseorang tu ada someone special yang bertakhta di hati, leuls. Memang akan biased, dan memang orang yang paling rapat dengan dia akan terasa. Benda ni tak boleh elak, cuma ada orang yang kritikal dan ada yang tak.  Aku pernah berada di situasi kedua-dua belah pihak. Maksud aku, aku pernah mengabaikan orang, dan aku pernah diabaikan.

Apa yang aku rasa waktu aku mengabaikan orang? To be honest, aku tak rasa apa-apa. Masa tu tengah bahagia kot, nak fikir apa bendanya lagi. Mana aku sedar ada hati-hati yang terasa dengan apa yang aku buat. Masa tu tak ada nak fikir perasaan orang sekeliling yang lain. Yang penting, perasaan kau dan yang seorang tu yang kau rasa sangat penting dalam hidup kau. Kawan baik ke apa ke, waktu tu kau macam fikir, apahalnya dia nak terasa pulak? Bukan kau buang dia terus. Kau cuma kurangkan masa dengan dia sikit je, sebab ada banyak hati yang kau kena jaga (padahal kau kisah pasal jaga hati seorang tu je). Macam tulah lebih kurang. Yes, macam bodoh dan sombong pun ada. Bila dah keluar dari zon tu, barulah kau sedar kau memang bodoh sebab salah letak priority. Tapi yalah, waktu kau di awang-awangan, serius tak terlintas di fikiran kau tentang orang lain yang terasa dengan kau. Alhamdulillah, kawan yang terasa dengan aku tu dah maafkan aku pun, dan kitorang jadi lebih rapat dan matang dah sekarang, alhamdulillah. Aku tak boleh imagine kalau aku hilang dia sebab perbuatan bodoh aku :(

Okay, sekarang aku nak cerita dari sudut aku terabai pula. Bahagian ni panjang sikit ceritanya. Mungkin panjang banyak. Aku kena macam ni banyak kali, tiga kali to be exact hahaha. Balasan tuhan kot sebab mengabaikan kawan baik aku dulu. Tapi aku cerita pengalaman yang latest je lah, sebab masih berlaku sekarang, cuma persepsi aku dah berubah.

---

Dulu aku ingat aku lonely.

Kawan rapat aku kat sini (tempat aku belajar) ada bf. Pada mata orang lain, kitorang memang macam belangkas. Pergi kuliah ke, exam ke, mesti sama-sama. That's what most people see during the classes. What people don't see is that other than going to classes together, we rarely spend any time with each other because the rest of her times are reserved for his bf. Aku rasa tak payah bagitahu in details lah apa dia buat waktu selain kelas ataupun waktu hujung minggu. Nanti takut tersalah interpretasi dan nampak macam aku terburukkan dia. She's still a good friend of mine and a good person, wallahi. Selama empat semester, aku rasa terabai. I reached my limit at the end of the fourth semester. Ada satu malam, aku ingat lagi, masa tu study week, terjadilah satu kejadian di mana aku sangat marah dengan dia (bf related) sampai tahap aku menggigil, menangis dan tutup lampu bilik supaya tak ada orang cari aku. Aku menangis sampai tertidur, sedangkan esoknya tu ada paper. Aku tak sabar nak habis exam, aku nak balik cepat. I spent the remaining of the exam weeks looking very normal, but deep inside I was really depressed.

Semester tu, result aku jatuh teruk. Jatuh teruk yang sampai meranapkan impian aku nak dapat ANC untuk degree. Yang memusnahkan harapan aku nak hadiahkan ANC untuk mak ayah aku. The only semester that I didn't make it to dean's list. That was the moment when I thought I needed to do something with myself. I was devastating myself with the problem. I needed to change my life and my perception towards her. I can't go on with this grudge inside me. I can't go back to the university with the same bad feeling inside. It's an unhealthy feeling and I didn't want that.

The first step I made was the hardest, but I did it anyway. I forgave her for everything that she did. I struggled to say to myself that I need to forgive her every night before I sleep. Everytime I tried to forgive her, the horrible flashbacks came rushing into my mind, then I istighfar a lot. Aku fikir, aku ni mana boleh nak marah sangat. Aku sendiri pun banyak dosa. Aku istighfar sampai tertidur. Aku buat benda yang sama berulang-ulang setiap hari sampai hati aku rasa aku betul-betul dah maafkan dia. Lama jugak, dalam sebulan aku ulang rutin yang sama sebelum tidur.

Second step, bila aku masuk semester baru, aku luaskan range kawan-kawan aku. Aku mula rajinkan diri bersembang dengan semua orang. I treat everyone nicely. Aku try blend in dengan semua puak-puak yang ada dalam kelas. Aku join aktiviti-aktiviti dengan kawan-kawan kelas aku, yang formal dan tak formal, tanpa mengharapkan 'dia' ikut sekali. It was awkward at first, sebab masing-masing dah ada puak kan. Kalau aku ni watak dalam cerita Divergent, aku ni kira seorang Divergent lah. Kakaka. Alhamdulillah, I found my pace. Aku rasa semua orang terima aku. Aku rasa disayangi oleh semua orang :D Ceh, bajet. Dan kawan-kawan baik aku daripada tempat-tempat lain pun masih ada dengan aku susah senang. So alhamdulillah, things got better for me. I realized that I was never lonely. The best part is all of my classmates think that I am approachable everytime they need a company or any help. I am glad that they think I am a trustworthy person :) Dan result pun dah naik balik sebab sekarang dah ada join study group. And some of my classmates happened to be the best travel partners that I have ever had (we travelled to a lot of places together).

So here I am, gaining back my pace, after all that happened to me. Now, I want to focus on all the good things that happening around me and indulge in my last remaining year, and to make it a great and memorable one. And of course to graduate on time, hopefully. Haha.

Whatever it is that happens, alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

---

Aku dah warning kat atas kan cerita aku panjang. Hahaha. Anyway, aku dah cuba untuk tulis dalam bahasa melayu sepenuhnya tapi gagal. Aku minta maaf pada sesiapa yang benci tulisan rojak dalam blog. I hope my story is good enough for you to ignore this rojak language.

So what I am trying to emphasize here is, there is always another way to end your sorrow. Life is too short to ditch everyone around you. Instead of hating someone who hurt us and hoping that she will change herself, why don't we change ourselves and our perspective? Now I have no grudge towards that one good friend, and I learn to appreciate her again. She is after all a good human being but with flaws. Aren't we all? I should be thankful that despite the honest not-so-nice comments I always give her (because I am that brutally honest), she could accept me as who I am and remain as a close friend. Sooo yeah, try to treat everyone nicely. You'll be surprised at how life treats you nicely back :)

Daun yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin.

"Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa kami serta kedua ibu bapa kami..."

I felt a drop of tears falling on my right cheek as the voice on the speaker is heard. I let out a light sob, I hope no one caught me crying during that doa. I have not been there for 3 years and I forgot how serene the place could be. How in the brief moment, I met myself again - the one I missed for so long. I thought about my mother and my father. I thought about my family. I thought about my best friends. I thought about how I should be thankful of all the opportunities I have right in front of me. I thought about how I have a choice, to do my very best or to give up.

“Daun yang jatuh tak pernah membenci angin, dia membiarkan dirinya jatuh begitu saja. Tak melawan, mengikhlaskan semuanya.

Bahwa hidup harus menerima, penerimaan yang indah. Bahwa hidup harus mengerti, pengertian yang benar. Bahwa hidup harus memahami, pemahaman yang tulus.

Tak peduli lewat apa penerimaan, pengertian, pemahaman itu datang. Tak masalah meski lewat kejadian yang sedih dan menyakitkan. Biarkan dia jatuh sebagaimana mestinya. Biarkan angin merengkuhnya, membawa pergi entah kemana.” 

― Tere Liye, Daun Yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin

Dear myself,

I am sorry that I let my fear brings the worst out of you. I am sorry that I let you feel worthless just because I was not blessed with the same thing as she was. I am sorry that I let you worry too much. I am sorry that I let you believe that you failed miserably in life, just because of that one thing, and I failed to let you see what are the other good things happening around you. Be free, now. Be nice to yourself. Have a firm faith in Allah for whatever He plans for you. Do not be so timid of yourself. May your bitter trials turn to be your best blessings.

Be free, and be you :)

Pointless.

Hi Assalamualaikum.

Apparently this is the last week for me here in Serdang before I have to go back to Johor this saturday. Mind you, I have been staying here for about 8 months now. Leaving home this time will be more difficult because I am now got used to live in my own house with my parents :'( I have never stayed so long at home, the last time was in 2009, before I leave for boarding school. This is saaaaaddd. I guess the thing with always being somewhere else makes you appreciate home a little bit more and now that you're finally home you don't really want to leave again (except going for a holiday) and ohh I sound so pathetic right now -__-

To make it worse, I will be facing my final year which requires me to write my thesis and I haven't even got any idea for my thesis title! And I have to submit the proposal in two weeks time. Congratulations, Sue. Congratulations.

Seriously, I have a feeling that this year will be a tough and emotional one :| Saya tak harap banyak dah. Cuma berharap dapat grad on time dan buat mak ayah happy dengan anak perempuan dia seorang ni. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kita semua yea.

"Physics. Bila Tekanan Tinggi, Kita Cari Ruang."

Have you ever listened to your loved one's broken voice and you could feel the physical pain inside?

Have you ever wanted to hug someone so tightly and wish that your hug could prevent her from being broken into pieces? Like you need to hold her tight to keep that fragile soul from shattering?

Have you ever wish that you could fly all the way to where your loved one is regardless the distance, just so you could hold her and be there for her, even when you could not think of any right advice to give her? You want to hold her so that even in the suffocating moment, she knows that you're there. Even when all things seemed to fail, you're there for her. Because your mere presence makes it more bearable.

Have you ever wish that you could channel some of your strength to someone else in any way possible? As in you tell the person to 'be strong' and the word has some magical effect that somehow will channel some of your strength towards that person?

Have you ever wish that only for that one day, you were granted with a soothing voice so you could sing your loved ones some lullabies to calm her down and let her sleep to ease off her mind? 

---

"I pray that whoever reads this, that God heals whatever is hurting you.

Whatever is causing all those precious tears to fall from your eyes; whatever is breaking your heart, if it’s stress, anxiety, pain, illness, sadness, worry, the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a broken engagement, anything.

I pray that God heals all that is causing your distress and that He gives you something greater in return."

Dalam ruang kau, yang pastinya ada Allah. Dan terpulang pada kau sama ada mahu wujudkan aku dalam ruang kau atau tidak. Tapi biiznillah, aku selalu ada jika bila-bila masa kau perlukan aku dan ingin tarik aku masuk dalam ruang tersebut :)

Life Goals.

Hai assalamualaikum. I was bothered about something I saw earlier, and it turned out that my friend Aqilah was bothered with it too haha. Here is what she had to say about it.

This is my two cents. To me, life goal is a really subjective matter. Each person in life grows up in different environment, different background, different style of living and each of us has our own priorities, which may be different to each other. True that most of us dream of living in a big house, owning expensive cars, affording all branded stuff, etc. But life is not limited to that. What if I tell you that there are some people who will be contented with just having a small but nice house, as long as he gets to live peacefully with his family? What if I tell you, that there are some people who can't bother less about having a luxurious life, as long as he gets to travel all around the world? What if I tell you, that there are people who dreams of settling his life in a quiet village and works on his own garden because that what makes him happy more than all the things he could get in the world?

You see, we don't define life goals based on what most people want to achieve. It is subject to individual. We don't get to say what is right and what is wrong with someone's goal. We don't get to say that the person is not successful in their life just because they don't have what we think they should have. Just because you have one dream and it seems like the most ideal dream, it doesn't mean that others' dream should be the same. Some people are easily contented with the little things they got. It doesn't mean that they are narrow minded, it means they have little expectation and that's okay, if it feels enough for them. Maybe they're thankful with all the little things they have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that having big dreams means that you're not thankful with what you've got. It means you have your own vision and that's okay too. What is not okay is to condemn people for having different life goals than yours.

Have some respect for other people's lives, and have some respect for their dreams too. Just because you were pressurised to do something that is not of your concern or priority yet, don't condemn those who dreams of it, or those who already achieved it. If they are happy with what they do, then let them be. Be happy for them. Maybe their dream is not as big as yours, but maybe it takes a lot more effort for them to achieve it. Maybe they were born in a different environment that is a lot poorer than yours. For example, my friend used to chase all the money and all the luxury in this world, but ever since she has a child of her own, her only dream is to provide a good life for her child. You can't tell her she lost a lot in her life because she sacrificed her teenage life by working so hard for the sake of her child. Because having him as her child means more than anything in her life. Her child is her dream.

What I am trying to say here is, create your own life goals. Have some vision. Plan your life. You can choose to tell it to the world, or keep quiet about it, we won't mind. But let's agree that every person has a different life goal, and each of us need to respect it provided it is not harmful to others. The world will be a better place if everyone is supportive of each other, right? ;)

My current goal. Hmphh *heavy breathing*

Kuching, Sarawak: Part II.

Hi assalamualaikum. Okay let me continue my story while I am in the mood to write it.


Day 3 (Monday - 10/8/2015)

In the morning, Mizah had to accompany her grandmother to go to a clinic so we were kind of stuck in the hotel room. We took the opportunity to sleep a little longer huehuehue. Our initial plan was to go to Pantai Damai and Kem Permai in the morning but yeah, thing doesn't always go according to your plan. Because it was already late, we decided to change our plan and go to Carpenter Street instead. So we had our brunch at 11 a.m. after Mizah had finished her appointment with the doctor. We went to Kopi O' Corner -- where Dena Bahrin went to a few days earlier so it became a famous place hahaha. I was starving so I ordered Nasi Ayam Penyet Bakar and coconut shake for lunch, omnomnom.

Nasi Ayam Penyet Bakar and Coconut Shake FTW!

After we had our lunch, we headed back to our hotel to drop Seha because she was not feeling well and we needed to perform our Zohor and Asar prayers. Then, we stopped by at a shopping mall to buy myself a new sandal because my shoes were worn out T__T. After that we proceeded to Carpenter Street, a must-visit place for tourists, especially if you want to experience a backpacking style of travelling hahaha. The streets there were lined with old buildings and vintage-decorated bars. And we accidentally found a wall full of street arts! B) 

Posing di pintu gerbang.

One of my favourite street art; a pixelated picture of Rosli Dhobi.

Kalau anda adalah sejenis instagrammer dan hipster, anda akan menyukai tempat ini, lelelels. Then, we went to buy Ais Kantong, more or less like ABC but eaten in a cup and it tasted like Sarsi. I couldn't finish it because the portion was too big -__-" Because we were already late, we went to a souvenir shop and bought everything in just one shop and headed back to our hotel room to pick Seha up to buy Kek Lapis at Kampung Boyan.

Since we need to cross the river to go to Kg. Boyan, we had a chance to enjoy the sunset view and subhanallah, it was really breathtaking. Once we arrived at the kampung, Mizah brought us to Kek Lapis Dayang Salhah. In order to go there, you need to walk quite far from the waterfront. It is quite hidden from the main road. Anyone who doesn't know about this place will have a difficulty finding it. Nearer to the waterfront, there is Mira Cake House that sells kek lapis too but Mizah told me that Dayang Salhah's has a better taste. I don't know which is better though because I didn't get the chance to compare those two, heheh. But yea, all the kek lapis I bought were tasty :D

Sunset at the waterfront.

We decided to have our dinner at Topspot Food Court, which is famous for their seafood. We walked all the way to UTC building (the foodcourt is located upstairs) all sweaty and stinky hahaha because Mizah had to send the car to his uncle. Fortunately Eva, Fatin and Intan (our classmates that happened to go there for a holiday at the same time) had arrived early so they ordered the food for us. Datang-datang, lahap je makanan terus. Leuls. The food was quite good, but next time maybe we should order Sarawak specialty dishes, to make it more interesting. The Sarawak dishes that they ordered were Midin Goreng Belacan (sort of like paku pakis) and Umai Ikan (they used raw fish). Sorry I didn't take any picture of the food because I was tired and hungry :') After dinner, we went back to our room, tired but happy because the stomach was full :3

Day 4 (Tuesday - 11/8/2015)

It was our last day here and we woke up early to go to Santubong. During the journey it was raining lightly so I couldn't hide my disappointment because I thought we wouldn't be able to go mandi manda :( Chilling in a river and swimming has always been my favourite activity to do during travel. But as the time went by, the sky became clearer so I was happy again :D While waiting for kem Permai to be opened for public, we stopped by at Damai Central for a while to take pictures of Gunung Santubong and the enormous Kenyalang. 

Gambar ihsan Trip Advisor sebab tak jumpa gambar dan malas korek.

Gambar ihsan Sarawak Tourism.

After Kem Permai Rainforest Resort was opened to public, we went there and was charged RM4.00/person (student rate). The normal rate is RM5.00/person. I love this place so much because you will be surrounded by nature throughout the whole journey. And though we needed to walk quite a few metres before we reached the pool, it was really worth it. The pool was not really a pool though. How do I describe it? The water was actually a streaming river but they made the place look like a pool. Hahaha I give up explaining. But I seriously love that place. Beside the pool there was a fish pond and if you're lucky, when you put your feet into the pond, the small fishes will come and bite your feet. I did it and it was ticklish and I screamed and laughed like an idiot :') Fortunately, there were no one else there because it was a normal Tuesday for everyone else, of course. After playing with the fishes, I went inside the pool and mandiiiiiii :D

The entrance.

The pool. The water was very clear, yes.

After that, we walked a few metres more and arrived at Pantai Damai. We didn't swim at the sea though. We were just chilling and taking pictures before we went back to the pool and continue our bath. Hehe. At 11 a.m. we headed back to town and Mizah brought us to Serian if I'm not mistaken to try the famous Aiskrim Gula Apong yang memang masyaAllah sedap :') And we also ate Cheesy Mayo Potato Story (well, in Semenanjung we have Crazy Potato but this one tasted just as good and it was way cheaper). As for lunch, we went to The Spring Mall (where we had our first lunch in Kuching) and had our last lunch at SugarBun. Ceh, konon simbolik lah kena pergi tempat yang sama untuk lunch :8) We also performed our prayers there and after that we headed to airport at 3.00 p.m. to depart back to Kuala Lumpur. We arrived KLIA2 at about 7.50 p.m and splitted our ways.

Expenses

If you're wondering about my expenses, here goes:

Flight: RM 129.00

Hotel: RM 72.00

Transportation and fuel: RM 36.80 (we borrowed Azi's car so we managed to save a lot of money)

Activities: RM 10.80 (Wind cave, Meow Meow Cafe, Kem Permai)

Souvenirs: RM 111.70 (Kek Lapis, ikan terubuk, tshirt & keychain)

Meals: RM 105.00 (average of RM25/day, lol baru perasan banyak duit habis dekat makanan)

Emergency: RM 70 (my new sandal T__T)

Total expenses including flight and hotel -- RM 535.30

Terlebih bajet ni sebenarnya. I thought it won't exceed RM 500. But well, if it was not for the worn out shoes, my budget will only be RM 400+. It's okay though, the sandal I bought is comfortable enough to be used for my next journey :B

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So there goes the story of my journey. It was a brief journey, but it definitely was a memorable one :)

Kuching, Sarawak: Part I

Hi assalamualaikum. I have been procrastinating writing about this trip for daaays. If I'm not mistaken this is actually my third travelogue after Sabah and Singapore. Since it is a 4 days & 3 nights trip and it will be quite a lengthy post if I try to tell you all the details, I will try my best to make it as simple as I can. And pardon my upcoming rojak language.

Day 1 (Saturday - 8/8/2015)

The four of us arrived at Kuching International Airport at 3.00 p.m. and Hamizah, our friend who is staying in Kuching picked us up and brought us to have our late lunch at The Spring Shopping Mall. We went to the food court and ordered ourselves our first Sarawak dish, Laksa Sarawak :3

Tadaa! Creamy and spicy and entahlah, sedap gilaa!

After lunch we headed our way to eat desserts at Swee Kang Ais Kacang. The famous dessert at this place is Ais Jagung if I'm not mistaken but I ordered ABC instead. Their ABC tasted a bit different than in Semenanjung because they used a lot of Gula Apong. We also ate rojak buah and Umai Obor-Obor. If you're wondering about how does a jellyfish tasted, it was crispy! The sour and spiciness of the Umai enhanced the taste. Nang nyaman umai tok :D

Umai Obor-obor

Then we proceeded to check-in at Premium Stay Hostel, a budget hotel. I booked the hotel through Agoda for a rate of RM93/night (a family room with 4 beds). So it only costed us around RM70/person for 3 nights. Yes, the rate is cheap :D At first, the place looked blerghh and mula-mula macam dah panik eh kenapa macam cikai niiii. But surprisingly the room was nice and comfortable enough for the 4 of us and the wifi is quite good, hehehe. Don't judge a place by its exterior decoration. For a budget hotel, it is worth the money lah.

At night, we decided to have our dinner at a nearby restaurant since our hotel is located at the centre of the city and most shops are available within walking distance. We went to eat Nasi Ayam Penyet at Pak Somet Kopitiam (FYI, Nasi Ayam Penyet is quite famous in Sarawak). We wanted to try RJ Ayam Penyet because many people recommended it but it was closed at that moment :( We went back to our room at 10.00 p.m. and hit the sack early.

Day 2 (Sunday - 9/8/2015)

We had our breakfast at Teh Tarik Kafeteria in Petra Jaya and ate Mee Kolok. It was one of the most delicious Mee Kolok I've ever tasted in the world. I think that even if I put the picture here it wouldn't do the food enough justice because it tasted waaaay better that what it looked like. It was very, very delicious, no doubt. Okay lepasni kita slow down sikit cerita pasal makanan. Haha. Buat lapar je -.-

The Lord of The Mee Kolok.

After that we proceeded to Serikin, a famous place for people from Semenanjung to shop for kain batik and kain pasang Sarawak. It was quite far from the main city and it took us about 50 minutes to arrive there. Since I'm not very fancy at shopping, I found this place very mehhh and I'd rather skip this part. However my friends bought a lot of things here, so maybe it was interesting to other people. Haha.

Then, we headed to Gua Angin, which is located in Bau, Sarawak. It is not really far from Serikin, only about 10-15 minutes away. The entrance fee is only RM1.00/person and you can rent a torchlight for RM4.00 each. It has many passages and to explore the whole cave will take about 45 minutes. But we only went inside for 10 minutes because it was too dark and we spent the rest of our time there taking and posing for pictures huhuhuhu. Inside the cave, you can see the bats hanging everywhere and it was quite spooky but interesting. There were a lot of beautiful naturally shaped stalactites and stalagmites too.

On our way out from the cave.

Our next destination was Tasik Biru located nearby the Wind Cave we visited earlier. The colour of the lake was not as I expected haha. I thought it would be azure blue or a lighter shade of blue, but instead it was more of navy blue shade. We didn't stay long here because we were already tired and it was getting hot. We stayed there for about 10 minutes to take pictures and then headed back to Kuching.

It was raining that evening so we went to Baitulmal to perform our prayers and eat our late lunch. After the rain stopped, we went to Meow Meow Cafe, a cat cafe and played with the cute cats but they kind of ignored us  -___-". Then we went to Pustaka Negeri, a public library and park. We rested ourselves there, tengok ikan dalam tasik and enjoy the scenic view before heading back to our room.

After performing our Maghrib and Isyak prayers, we walked from our hotel to the waterfront and rode a Penambang (a small perahu that was used to transport passengers to the other side of the river) and ate our dinner there. After dinner, we took a walk along the Kuching Waterfront. The Sarawak DUN Building is soooo majestic I can stare and admire it for the whole night.

I was kind of regret that night because I didn't bring my dslr with me T__T

Okay, that's all for this Part 1. For a snippet, in part 2 I will share about Carpenter Street - the place for street arts and souvenirs shopping, Kek Lapis Dayang Salhah, Topspot Seafood Food Court, and Kem Permai and Pantai Damai (my favourite part). InsyaAllah see you soon!

p/s: Sorry for the square pictures. It was taken from my vsco account because I am too lazy to transfer the pictures to my laptop -.-

A Work in Progress.

"One of the most courageous things you can do is admit your wrong and recognise your shortcomings. That's the first step towards recovery."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It is our norm as a human being to try our hardest to hide our fears. We hate to let people know that we have fears, let alone talk about it. It makes us seem weak. We keep it inside, trying to ignore it, trying to ditch its existence in our head, with the hope that it will really disappears someday and we no longer have to deal with it. We treat our fear like a child seeking attention; we pretend like it is a small matter and it will vanishes when it gets tired of disturbing our mind.

Or that's how I thought how we should handle it. For God's sake, I couldn't be any more wrong. 

Recently, this one thought kept bothering and lingering around my mind. It is something that I am fear of. It is often there, and when I try to ditch it, it will leave, at least for awhile. And then it will come back -- and my mind is a haunted place again. I tried to convince myself that the feeling's temporary. I often tried to deny its existence. I was in denial.

So this is what fears me for so long.

You know, I am a person who always have my future planned ahead of me. Ever since I knew the real meaning of vision and future, I set my goals and I planned everything that I wanted to achieve, specifically. For example, when I was in standard 6, I planned to enter one of the KAA's classes and learn Arabic language. Checked. When I was in my lower secondary school, I planned to go into a boarding school, any boarding school. I was selected as a TIKL student a year after. Checked. When I was in Form 5, I planned to go to PASUM and take the Physical Science course so that I could pursue my bachelor degree in UTM, in Quantity Surveying. Checked. Checked.

See, I am that annoying, gelabah person who planned everything ahead. Now, I have something to admit. And by admitting it, I want to let myself know that I am not in denial anymore. I know it might be stupid to some of you guys, but I am terribly, terribly scared. I am scared, because for the first time in my life, I don't have a vision of what will I be after I graduated. I could not imagine my place years from now. I do not know what I want to do with my life next. Actually, I have something in mind, but I don't know if I have the courage to do it, considering it is way too different than the course I am taking now. I don't have the confidence. So, here I am, feeling scared of my own future.

Everyone seems to be so clear about everything. Everyone is taking one step ahead, while here I am, like a still lake, not knowing where to move, or even how to move. I don't think I am getting better in my study. I used to look forward to graduation. I was that girl who got high hopes seeing people in their robe, holding that precious certificate, smiling genuinely to the camera. Graduation ceremony was an event I looked forward to every year. Now the feeling is not the same. I still love it, though. I love seeing people's reactions on that event. But I am no longer that girl who wishes to graduate soon so that I could start my career immediately. I feel...plain.

I told this to my best friend hours ago. I was not in my best state and I somehow blurted it all out (here's a hint on how bad it is -- my nose was blocked and I can hardly breathe. Yeah. That bad -_-). I tried to find words for what was bothering me all along. I gathered all the courage I have to confront my friend (and maybe myself too) and arranged whatever that bothered me into words so that people could understand. So that I could understand.  I chose to talk about my fear. And you know what? It felt good. It felt really good. Things get less heavier when you share it with someone. At times you may thought you're strong enough to handle it and move on, so let me tell you this, every time, you are wrong. Even if none of your fear could be removed by telling someone about it, at least there is someone who will take you by the hand and let you know that it's going to be okay because she's there, and she will be there as you go through all these things. She didn't let me believe that I am worthless, and she told me that things are going to get better. Of course I knew about all these. But sometimes you need someone to say it out loud, so that you could convince yourself that you're not hallucinating. So that you know that of course it is going to get better, you idiot. (You = I, so I am calling myself idiot, not you, please).

I am a work in progress, so if I mess up, it's okay. It will get better. Same goes to you. We are all works in progress. And there is no such thing as a smooth and perfect work. We just have to deal with the errors we made and hope for the better. So yeah, whatever it is that you're scared of, don't deny it. Confront it. Admitting your fears is an act of courage too, you know :)  

I Can Almost See You.

(Taman Tasik Taiping, 190715)

"Every single ordinary person has an extraordinary story. We might all think that we are unremarkable, that our lives are boring, just because we aren't doing ground-breaking things or making headlines or winning award. But the truth is we all do something that is fascinating, that is brave, that is something we should be proud of. Every day people do things that are not celebrated." - Cecelia Ahern, One Hundred Names

I thought of all the brief conversations we had. I thought about how - in those short times, you made me feel loved. You filled my heart. I thought about how - those conversations we had about songs and books and stories - each simple conversation makes me feel that I am having a good life because of all the things in the world, I got to have you. God knows we don't contact each other very much. But every time when we do, I thank God for letting you be here in my life. 

From my earnest heart, I wish that more people would recognize you for the beautiful things that you did to me. I wish there would be little sparkles following you around, wherever you go, so that whenever you walk, whenever you meet people, they will immediately know how you are an ordinary person with an extraordinary story. I know how you will tell me that you too have flaws. You too have your dark moments, sometimes you fall and you're afraid that other people know that you've failed miserably at times. So you too, need to know that despite all that, despite whatever you think of yourself, I knew about it and I am okay with it. I am okay with every piece of you, I am okay with every single mess that you made and every single life that you've changed with your existence. I want to stay with you for who you are, biiznillah.

I pray that someday someone will look at you beyond all the skin's deep, I pray that someone will see you exactly like how I see you through my eyes, or even better. I wish someday there will be more people who'd appreciate you. I wish someday more people will listen to you, to your beautiful stories. 

And this -- is my story about you :)

*The title of this post is from a song by Hammock, which I listened to as I was writing this post.

Lost and Not Found.

Assalamualaikum. Today I received the news that one of my classmates, Mohd Amirul'Zaki has passed away due to cancer. To be honest, I don't really know him because he was a direct intake student from UTM KL and we've only been classmates for a semester before he decided to postpone his study because he needed to undergo an operation. The last time I saw him was late last year or early this year I guess. He went to visit us at the end of a studio session. He looked healthy at that time and though I didn't talk to him, I felt relieved to see him that way. Who knows thing could change tremendously in just a few months.

Truthfully, I haven't had much experience with the death of someone close to me, be it a family member or a close friend. The last time I had to deal with someone's death was years ago - the death of my grandfather (on my mother's side). I was still in primary school during that time, and back then I didn't really understand what it feels like to lose someone you care about and how the death could leave huge impact to people around you.

Now that I'm all grown up, I have learned a lot about losing someone you love and I figured it's not easy. So I have to admit that the thought of it scares me. I don't really know how to handle the lost of someone close to me. I could still bear it when someone leaves me but I know they're still there, somewhere in the world, breathing and living the life they choose. But the feeling is different when someone leaves you permanently, and you know they won't ever come back. They don't go different direction, they just disappear.

Zaki's death, though he was not a close friend, has affected me in some way. He reminded me of something I forgot to consider long ago. He reminded me that one day, you're not going to be the one who is being left, you're going to be the one who leave. And perhaps that one day is not so far away. I mean, he was only 23. So yeah, time waits for no man.

I can't help but wonder, when it is finally my time, will I leave a good impression? What will my family members or close friends say about me to others? Is it easy for them to talk about what are the good things that I've done in this world, or will it take some time for them to recall? Or worse, do they have to lie to others so that I will be portrayed as a good human being? And if I could hear all the things they said after I died, will I be grateful and proud of it, or will I be ashamed because deep inside I know I was not the person who they thought I was?

I want to be as close to the surface as I can. I want to be the person people thought I am. But truthfully, I will never be that close to the surface. I am that huge iceberg that contains so much more down under, and down there it is a combination of both beautiful and ugly pieces. I want to leave a good impression when I'm gone. I want to be remembered as a good person, and for that to happen, I need to scratch the ugly pieces from me, as much as I could before my time comes.

Semoga Allah mengurniakan kita dengan husnul khatimah yea. Pengakhiran yang baik :)

Mohon sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat rakan saya yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi tadi. Semoga beliau ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yang beriman.

My Invisible Sanctuary.

Assalamualaikum.

First of all, I would like to apologize to everyone who knows me because I created this invisible sanctuary of mine and I tend to live comfortably in it now. In fact, I might be too comfortable living in my own bubble that I may have hurt several people that I know, including this one person who haven't contacted me for months because she thought I abandoned her and I got tired of her blaming me for not caring enough. Yeah, we fought about this matter for several times already. So, we decided that it would be better if we just stopped the relationship for good.

I am sorry that I couldn't make some people understand, how sometimes I enjoy this solitude. I am sorry that sometimes I avoid calls or meetings, or even confrontations with people. I am sorry for the late replies, or for missing randomly or if I said my goodbye too early. I am sorry that I find it hard to express anything about myself to anyone because I have the thought that it is not important enough. My stories are not important enough. I am sorry that some people were hurt with my actions of not contacting them for days or weeks or months. I am sorry that you feel like I am abandoning you, when in fact is I really don't. I am the kind of person who would randomly get out of my sanctuary and greet you like nothing ever happened because the place I am hiding is timeless and I thought when I get myself out of it, people would still remember me like the last time they did. But everything comes with a consequence, don't they? As much as I hope people would understand how I sometimes enjoy this solitude, I shall make myself understand if people loathe me for being that way and decide to abandon me.

Not many years ago I stopped trying to make people understand. I chose to live my own life and let things go with the flow. My gate is open for anyone to come and leave. So the ones who choose to stay, alhamdulillah, I am thankful enough that they are able to accept me the way I am. If they decide to leave, it's alright. They can always come back if they choose to. And I already have a few friends who are patient enough to bear with this attitude of mine and still love me and layan me when I randomly tell them I miss them and I start a random conversation out of nowhere hahaha. Sorry and thank you <3

All in all, forgive me for being a hardcore introvert and please note that I don't have the thought of changing this attitude, at least not now. Let me tell you this little secret of mine ― I am quite a loner sometimes and I am very comfortable being one.

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it's the air they breathe” ― Susan Cain

Be Careful What You Wish For.

Assalamualaikum. I used to pray so hard for something if I want it so bad, and I was really determined to have it, that I asked Allah to grant it no matter what. I have no thought that maybe the thing I asked for was bad for me. Nope, I didn't spare my thought for that at all. Until something I wished for was granted, but it turned out that it wasn't meant to be mine in the first place. So Allah let me have it for awhile before He took it again to let me know that it was never mine, but He was teaching me a lesson because I was stubborn and I wanted it anyway. Because of that, I have a severe heartbreak and it took me years to be completely okay again. From that moment, I know that I should be careful with what I wish for, so everytime I wish for something new, I also pray to Him to grant me the wish only if it is the best for me.

It's just that lately, I have been wishing for something, and I've been wishing for it so bad that I almost lose my patience waiting for it to happen. I've mentioned about it for an awful lot of times in my prayers, but there's still no sign of it happening. Then, the old thought occurred to me again. What if, this is His way of saying no? What if this is His way to remind me that it is not meant to be for me? Maybe He is sparing something better for me. Maybe He is saving me from heartbreak, because I've been wanting it so bad and if it's not meant to be mine in the first place, He knows that I can't handle losing it. Maybe He is giving me this temporary heartbreak so that I don't have to face series of heartbreaks if I lose the thing I hoped for so bad.

To be honest, it is hard, to want something so bad, yet that one thing is beyond our control and the only option left for us is to tawakkal. Look, you know that Allah doesn't give you something because He knows that even without it, you will be just fine. But telling yourself that in the head for a million times doesn't guarantee that you will acknowledge it and accept it with an open heart. However, you need to trust Allah on this one. It is painful, yes, but it is a temporary pain before you could one day find the hikmah of each of Allah's decision for you. Would you rather have everything you want without His guidance, like a blind man going whichever direction he wishes, and end up in an unknown place? Or would you rather have everything you need, with His guidance, to be where you are supposed to be, even if the road is long and bumpy?

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." - (2:216)

I, too, from this moment, need to learn to put my earnest trust to Allah. I am more afraid of what will I become, if it isn't for His guidance.

White.

"So rescue yourself from these general themes and write about what your everyday life offers you; describe your sorrow and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble, sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.

Assalamualaikum.

Hari ini saya cuba menunaikan janji saya sendiri, untuk menulis di atas 'kertas' baru, dengan cuba bertatih semula mencari jiwa penulis (self-acclaimed) yang telah lama saya sorokkan atas ketakutan-ketakutan bahawa orang tidak mampu menerima dan menghadamkan tulisan-tulisan saya. Sepanjang ketiadaan jiwa yang pengecut itu, saya banyak kali 'ditegur' secara tak langsung oleh penulis-penulis yang saya kira memang berjaya dalam penulisannya. Pada mereka, penulis itu menulis kerana mereka perlu. Mereka menulis untuk mereka sendiri. Penulis yang mahu menulis bukanlah menulis untuk audiens, tetapi kerana setiap curahan itu umpama makanan untuk jiwa mereka.

Jiwa saya yang ini sudah penat bersembunyi. Jari-jemari ini sudah gian mahu menari-nari. Maka tulisan kali ini, adalah saksi bahawa saya ingin menulis semula. Sebagai peringatan untuk diri saya sendiri supaya saya tak mudah putus asa. Saya ingin cuba mengarang semula, biar pendek, biar tak berisi, kerana tulisan-tulisan ini adalah 'penyelamat' saya. Mungkin orang-orang yang kenal saya di alam realiti lebih tahu, saya di luar dan di dalam tulisan-tulisan saya, umpama individu berbeza. Tulisan saya lebih mentah, dan jasad saya lebih 'reserved'. Maka tulisan-tulisan ini adalah untuk personaliti yang lagi satu. Untuk personaliti yang terperangkap dalam jasad yang 'reserved' ini. Semuanya dalam ini - nukilan-nukilan indah, sakit, mentah, lelah.

Saya tahu, tulisan yang baik adalah satu dakwah. Tapi seringkali saya ini sejenis yang lebih suka menulis tentang perkara-perkara sekeliling yang berlaku pada diri saya, tentang pengalaman-pengalaman saya (walaupun tak banyak), tentang rasa saya atas sesuatu yang berlaku jika dibandingkan dengan menulis tentang isu-isu yang selalu diketengahkan masyarakat. Sebab perasaan saya tentang perkara-perkara yang berlaku sekeliling saya adalah lebih 'selamat' untuk diri saya sendiri. Jadi, saya tak pasti kalau-kalau tulisan-tulisan saya boleh menjadi satu dakwah. Yang penting, saya harap setiap tulisan dan kisah saya boleh buat orang mendalami dan berfikir. Kalau positif, alhamdulillah. Kalau negatif, cari hikmah di sebalik setiap kata-kata saya, insyaAllah.

Oh, tentang blog lama, sebenarnya blog tersebut masih wujud. Title untuk  blog ini pun masih saya kekalkan seperti dulu. Mana mungkin saya buang sesuatu yang pernah menjadi sejarah hidup saya, sesuatu yang menjadi bukti siapa saya yang dulu, ke mana arah tuju saya dan apa yang membentuk siapa saya yang sekarang. Semuanya ada dalam blog itu. Cuma saya simpan semua itu dalam simpanan peribadi. Cukuplah saya yang baca bukti-bukti perkembangan hidup saya dari dulu. Baik yang indah mahupun yang perit ditelan. Ya, saya memang sejenis yang susah nak lupakan sesuatu yang pernah menjadi sejarah hidup saya. Tinggalkan untuk kebaikan, mungkin ya. Tapi untuk melupakan tu, sungguhlah tidak mampu.

So, dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha mengasihani, izinkan saya memulakan kisah baru saya detik ini :)