Lost and Not Found.

Assalamualaikum. Today I received the news that one of my classmates, Mohd Amirul'Zaki has passed away due to cancer. To be honest, I don't really know him because he was a direct intake student from UTM KL and we've only been classmates for a semester before he decided to postpone his study because he needed to undergo an operation. The last time I saw him was late last year or early this year I guess. He went to visit us at the end of a studio session. He looked healthy at that time and though I didn't talk to him, I felt relieved to see him that way. Who knows thing could change tremendously in just a few months.

Truthfully, I haven't had much experience with the death of someone close to me, be it a family member or a close friend. The last time I had to deal with someone's death was years ago - the death of my grandfather (on my mother's side). I was still in primary school during that time, and back then I didn't really understand what it feels like to lose someone you care about and how the death could leave huge impact to people around you.

Now that I'm all grown up, I have learned a lot about losing someone you love and I figured it's not easy. So I have to admit that the thought of it scares me. I don't really know how to handle the lost of someone close to me. I could still bear it when someone leaves me but I know they're still there, somewhere in the world, breathing and living the life they choose. But the feeling is different when someone leaves you permanently, and you know they won't ever come back. They don't go different direction, they just disappear.

Zaki's death, though he was not a close friend, has affected me in some way. He reminded me of something I forgot to consider long ago. He reminded me that one day, you're not going to be the one who is being left, you're going to be the one who leave. And perhaps that one day is not so far away. I mean, he was only 23. So yeah, time waits for no man.

I can't help but wonder, when it is finally my time, will I leave a good impression? What will my family members or close friends say about me to others? Is it easy for them to talk about what are the good things that I've done in this world, or will it take some time for them to recall? Or worse, do they have to lie to others so that I will be portrayed as a good human being? And if I could hear all the things they said after I died, will I be grateful and proud of it, or will I be ashamed because deep inside I know I was not the person who they thought I was?

I want to be as close to the surface as I can. I want to be the person people thought I am. But truthfully, I will never be that close to the surface. I am that huge iceberg that contains so much more down under, and down there it is a combination of both beautiful and ugly pieces. I want to leave a good impression when I'm gone. I want to be remembered as a good person, and for that to happen, I need to scratch the ugly pieces from me, as much as I could before my time comes.

Semoga Allah mengurniakan kita dengan husnul khatimah yea. Pengakhiran yang baik :)

Mohon sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat rakan saya yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi tadi. Semoga beliau ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yang beriman.