"The Day Will Come When You'll Be Glad You Didn't Give Up."

Hi assalamualaikum.

I felt so overwhelmed by the things that happened to me today that I need to share it with you guys.

This week is a hectic week for us all because we need to propose our PSM topics to our supervisor to be discussed. I swear if you could take a look into my mind right now, there's nothing else but all the mixed up issues and topics regarding construction industry. We need to at least find two topic proposals for our research to be submitted next week.  So far I have only discussed with my supervisor about one topic, which is a case study to be conducted regarding school projects in Johor Bahru. My second topic area is quite vague so my supervisor advised me to discard it and find another topic.

So today I called several departments in charge for the school projects. None of the calls were answered. I started to feel really down, so I decided to take a nap to let my mind rest for a while because my mind has been working non-stop. Imagine last night I accidentally woke up and I can't go back to sleep so I thought about my research topic, at 3 in the morning, and I have class at 8.00 a.m -__- Okay, so when I woke up from my nap and before I had my lunch, I decided to give it a try again. At my second attempt, finally someone answered me. Let's skip this part because there's a lot of passing my call to department here and there before I could speak with the right person. Finally, the person in charge told me that I need to first write a letter to Pusat Islam Iskandar and they'll consider if I could collect all the information I need for my case study. I had many experiences of meeting people in the working environment and I know when it involves data collection, the process is very time consuming and I couldn't even be certain that I could get full access to the data.

That was the moment when I knew I was in trouble.

For your information, before we need to submit our topic proposal (which is next week), we need to consider where could we obtain the data and we have to be certain that the data is accessible. Imagine that after you submitted your topic and your topic is accepted, but suddenly you couldn't obtain any data because it is confidential for example, your PSM is considered a failure and you need to drop the subject, which means you need to extend another year to propose another research. ANOTHER FREAKING YEAR. God, even just thinking about it makes me feel stressful.

I asked for my supervisor's advice and even she advised me to find another topic. I was so stressed out. So I took a moment for myself and I genuinely prayed to Allah to help ease my way. I was really in need of His help. I was so close to giving up, I almost cried and I had to convince myself to stay calm, up to the point that I told myself out loud not to cry. I put all my hope, my faith to Him. I asked Him to make me stay composed even in hard times.

Before I could let myself feel disappointed and give up, I decided to go to my faculty information center (BIC), to look up for previous research topics, in case going through the titles could help me find new ideas to come up for my research.  I was so done depending on my friends to help me with this problem because it is mine and I don't want to burden them, so I went there alone. Then, a miracle happened :)

When I arrived at BIC, I met Dr. Rosli. Dr. Rosli is a senior lecturer who has recently retired, and his experience in QS profession is topnotch. I was surprised to see him there, well, considering he didn't work in our faculty anymore. I didn't know what he saw in me, but I guess he felt pity that I was alone struggling to find the topics. Ha ha. We had a little chat. He asked who my supervisor is, which area of study am I interested in, etc. Then, he started to share his knowledge and experience. Lastly, he gave me ideas about research topics in my preferred areas. He really gave me a lot of ideas. Like, really lot. I felt so inspired, I felt like crying at that moment. I thank Allah for sending him there, at the right moment when I really needed it. I am so grateful for his kindness, and His kindness. I thought about how He really listened to my prayer. I felt really undeserved, because I have sinned a lot, yet He still listened to my prayer and granted it. I came back to my room feeling so blessed, and my spirit is uplifted again. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal :)

Imagine if I give up earlier, I wouldn't go to BIC, I wouldn't meet Dr. Rosli. I wouldn't have any new ideas regarding my research topic. Sungguhlah, Allah yang menggerakkan hati tadi. Thank You.

Daun yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin.

"Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa kami serta kedua ibu bapa kami..."

I felt a drop of tears falling on my right cheek as the voice on the speaker is heard. I let out a light sob, I hope no one caught me crying during that doa. I have not been there for 3 years and I forgot how serene the place could be. How in the brief moment, I met myself again - the one I missed for so long. I thought about my mother and my father. I thought about my family. I thought about my best friends. I thought about how I should be thankful of all the opportunities I have right in front of me. I thought about how I have a choice, to do my very best or to give up.

“Daun yang jatuh tak pernah membenci angin, dia membiarkan dirinya jatuh begitu saja. Tak melawan, mengikhlaskan semuanya.

Bahwa hidup harus menerima, penerimaan yang indah. Bahwa hidup harus mengerti, pengertian yang benar. Bahwa hidup harus memahami, pemahaman yang tulus.

Tak peduli lewat apa penerimaan, pengertian, pemahaman itu datang. Tak masalah meski lewat kejadian yang sedih dan menyakitkan. Biarkan dia jatuh sebagaimana mestinya. Biarkan angin merengkuhnya, membawa pergi entah kemana.” 

― Tere Liye, Daun Yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin

Dear myself,

I am sorry that I let my fear brings the worst out of you. I am sorry that I let you feel worthless just because I was not blessed with the same thing as she was. I am sorry that I let you worry too much. I am sorry that I let you believe that you failed miserably in life, just because of that one thing, and I failed to let you see what are the other good things happening around you. Be free, now. Be nice to yourself. Have a firm faith in Allah for whatever He plans for you. Do not be so timid of yourself. May your bitter trials turn to be your best blessings.

Be free, and be you :)

Life Goals.

Hai assalamualaikum. I was bothered about something I saw earlier, and it turned out that my friend Aqilah was bothered with it too haha. Here is what she had to say about it.

This is my two cents. To me, life goal is a really subjective matter. Each person in life grows up in different environment, different background, different style of living and each of us has our own priorities, which may be different to each other. True that most of us dream of living in a big house, owning expensive cars, affording all branded stuff, etc. But life is not limited to that. What if I tell you that there are some people who will be contented with just having a small but nice house, as long as he gets to live peacefully with his family? What if I tell you, that there are some people who can't bother less about having a luxurious life, as long as he gets to travel all around the world? What if I tell you, that there are people who dreams of settling his life in a quiet village and works on his own garden because that what makes him happy more than all the things he could get in the world?

You see, we don't define life goals based on what most people want to achieve. It is subject to individual. We don't get to say what is right and what is wrong with someone's goal. We don't get to say that the person is not successful in their life just because they don't have what we think they should have. Just because you have one dream and it seems like the most ideal dream, it doesn't mean that others' dream should be the same. Some people are easily contented with the little things they got. It doesn't mean that they are narrow minded, it means they have little expectation and that's okay, if it feels enough for them. Maybe they're thankful with all the little things they have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that having big dreams means that you're not thankful with what you've got. It means you have your own vision and that's okay too. What is not okay is to condemn people for having different life goals than yours.

Have some respect for other people's lives, and have some respect for their dreams too. Just because you were pressurised to do something that is not of your concern or priority yet, don't condemn those who dreams of it, or those who already achieved it. If they are happy with what they do, then let them be. Be happy for them. Maybe their dream is not as big as yours, but maybe it takes a lot more effort for them to achieve it. Maybe they were born in a different environment that is a lot poorer than yours. For example, my friend used to chase all the money and all the luxury in this world, but ever since she has a child of her own, her only dream is to provide a good life for her child. You can't tell her she lost a lot in her life because she sacrificed her teenage life by working so hard for the sake of her child. Because having him as her child means more than anything in her life. Her child is her dream.

What I am trying to say here is, create your own life goals. Have some vision. Plan your life. You can choose to tell it to the world, or keep quiet about it, we won't mind. But let's agree that every person has a different life goal, and each of us need to respect it provided it is not harmful to others. The world will be a better place if everyone is supportive of each other, right? ;)

My current goal. Hmphh *heavy breathing*

A Work in Progress.

"One of the most courageous things you can do is admit your wrong and recognise your shortcomings. That's the first step towards recovery."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It is our norm as a human being to try our hardest to hide our fears. We hate to let people know that we have fears, let alone talk about it. It makes us seem weak. We keep it inside, trying to ignore it, trying to ditch its existence in our head, with the hope that it will really disappears someday and we no longer have to deal with it. We treat our fear like a child seeking attention; we pretend like it is a small matter and it will vanishes when it gets tired of disturbing our mind.

Or that's how I thought how we should handle it. For God's sake, I couldn't be any more wrong. 

Recently, this one thought kept bothering and lingering around my mind. It is something that I am fear of. It is often there, and when I try to ditch it, it will leave, at least for awhile. And then it will come back -- and my mind is a haunted place again. I tried to convince myself that the feeling's temporary. I often tried to deny its existence. I was in denial.

So this is what fears me for so long.

You know, I am a person who always have my future planned ahead of me. Ever since I knew the real meaning of vision and future, I set my goals and I planned everything that I wanted to achieve, specifically. For example, when I was in standard 6, I planned to enter one of the KAA's classes and learn Arabic language. Checked. When I was in my lower secondary school, I planned to go into a boarding school, any boarding school. I was selected as a TIKL student a year after. Checked. When I was in Form 5, I planned to go to PASUM and take the Physical Science course so that I could pursue my bachelor degree in UTM, in Quantity Surveying. Checked. Checked.

See, I am that annoying, gelabah person who planned everything ahead. Now, I have something to admit. And by admitting it, I want to let myself know that I am not in denial anymore. I know it might be stupid to some of you guys, but I am terribly, terribly scared. I am scared, because for the first time in my life, I don't have a vision of what will I be after I graduated. I could not imagine my place years from now. I do not know what I want to do with my life next. Actually, I have something in mind, but I don't know if I have the courage to do it, considering it is way too different than the course I am taking now. I don't have the confidence. So, here I am, feeling scared of my own future.

Everyone seems to be so clear about everything. Everyone is taking one step ahead, while here I am, like a still lake, not knowing where to move, or even how to move. I don't think I am getting better in my study. I used to look forward to graduation. I was that girl who got high hopes seeing people in their robe, holding that precious certificate, smiling genuinely to the camera. Graduation ceremony was an event I looked forward to every year. Now the feeling is not the same. I still love it, though. I love seeing people's reactions on that event. But I am no longer that girl who wishes to graduate soon so that I could start my career immediately. I feel...plain.

I told this to my best friend hours ago. I was not in my best state and I somehow blurted it all out (here's a hint on how bad it is -- my nose was blocked and I can hardly breathe. Yeah. That bad -_-). I tried to find words for what was bothering me all along. I gathered all the courage I have to confront my friend (and maybe myself too) and arranged whatever that bothered me into words so that people could understand. So that I could understand.  I chose to talk about my fear. And you know what? It felt good. It felt really good. Things get less heavier when you share it with someone. At times you may thought you're strong enough to handle it and move on, so let me tell you this, every time, you are wrong. Even if none of your fear could be removed by telling someone about it, at least there is someone who will take you by the hand and let you know that it's going to be okay because she's there, and she will be there as you go through all these things. She didn't let me believe that I am worthless, and she told me that things are going to get better. Of course I knew about all these. But sometimes you need someone to say it out loud, so that you could convince yourself that you're not hallucinating. So that you know that of course it is going to get better, you idiot. (You = I, so I am calling myself idiot, not you, please).

I am a work in progress, so if I mess up, it's okay. It will get better. Same goes to you. We are all works in progress. And there is no such thing as a smooth and perfect work. We just have to deal with the errors we made and hope for the better. So yeah, whatever it is that you're scared of, don't deny it. Confront it. Admitting your fears is an act of courage too, you know :)  

Lost and Not Found.

Assalamualaikum. Today I received the news that one of my classmates, Mohd Amirul'Zaki has passed away due to cancer. To be honest, I don't really know him because he was a direct intake student from UTM KL and we've only been classmates for a semester before he decided to postpone his study because he needed to undergo an operation. The last time I saw him was late last year or early this year I guess. He went to visit us at the end of a studio session. He looked healthy at that time and though I didn't talk to him, I felt relieved to see him that way. Who knows thing could change tremendously in just a few months.

Truthfully, I haven't had much experience with the death of someone close to me, be it a family member or a close friend. The last time I had to deal with someone's death was years ago - the death of my grandfather (on my mother's side). I was still in primary school during that time, and back then I didn't really understand what it feels like to lose someone you care about and how the death could leave huge impact to people around you.

Now that I'm all grown up, I have learned a lot about losing someone you love and I figured it's not easy. So I have to admit that the thought of it scares me. I don't really know how to handle the lost of someone close to me. I could still bear it when someone leaves me but I know they're still there, somewhere in the world, breathing and living the life they choose. But the feeling is different when someone leaves you permanently, and you know they won't ever come back. They don't go different direction, they just disappear.

Zaki's death, though he was not a close friend, has affected me in some way. He reminded me of something I forgot to consider long ago. He reminded me that one day, you're not going to be the one who is being left, you're going to be the one who leave. And perhaps that one day is not so far away. I mean, he was only 23. So yeah, time waits for no man.

I can't help but wonder, when it is finally my time, will I leave a good impression? What will my family members or close friends say about me to others? Is it easy for them to talk about what are the good things that I've done in this world, or will it take some time for them to recall? Or worse, do they have to lie to others so that I will be portrayed as a good human being? And if I could hear all the things they said after I died, will I be grateful and proud of it, or will I be ashamed because deep inside I know I was not the person who they thought I was?

I want to be as close to the surface as I can. I want to be the person people thought I am. But truthfully, I will never be that close to the surface. I am that huge iceberg that contains so much more down under, and down there it is a combination of both beautiful and ugly pieces. I want to leave a good impression when I'm gone. I want to be remembered as a good person, and for that to happen, I need to scratch the ugly pieces from me, as much as I could before my time comes.

Semoga Allah mengurniakan kita dengan husnul khatimah yea. Pengakhiran yang baik :)

Mohon sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat rakan saya yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi tadi. Semoga beliau ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yang beriman.

Be Careful What You Wish For.

Assalamualaikum. I used to pray so hard for something if I want it so bad, and I was really determined to have it, that I asked Allah to grant it no matter what. I have no thought that maybe the thing I asked for was bad for me. Nope, I didn't spare my thought for that at all. Until something I wished for was granted, but it turned out that it wasn't meant to be mine in the first place. So Allah let me have it for awhile before He took it again to let me know that it was never mine, but He was teaching me a lesson because I was stubborn and I wanted it anyway. Because of that, I have a severe heartbreak and it took me years to be completely okay again. From that moment, I know that I should be careful with what I wish for, so everytime I wish for something new, I also pray to Him to grant me the wish only if it is the best for me.

It's just that lately, I have been wishing for something, and I've been wishing for it so bad that I almost lose my patience waiting for it to happen. I've mentioned about it for an awful lot of times in my prayers, but there's still no sign of it happening. Then, the old thought occurred to me again. What if, this is His way of saying no? What if this is His way to remind me that it is not meant to be for me? Maybe He is sparing something better for me. Maybe He is saving me from heartbreak, because I've been wanting it so bad and if it's not meant to be mine in the first place, He knows that I can't handle losing it. Maybe He is giving me this temporary heartbreak so that I don't have to face series of heartbreaks if I lose the thing I hoped for so bad.

To be honest, it is hard, to want something so bad, yet that one thing is beyond our control and the only option left for us is to tawakkal. Look, you know that Allah doesn't give you something because He knows that even without it, you will be just fine. But telling yourself that in the head for a million times doesn't guarantee that you will acknowledge it and accept it with an open heart. However, you need to trust Allah on this one. It is painful, yes, but it is a temporary pain before you could one day find the hikmah of each of Allah's decision for you. Would you rather have everything you want without His guidance, like a blind man going whichever direction he wishes, and end up in an unknown place? Or would you rather have everything you need, with His guidance, to be where you are supposed to be, even if the road is long and bumpy?

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." - (2:216)

I, too, from this moment, need to learn to put my earnest trust to Allah. I am more afraid of what will I become, if it isn't for His guidance.