A Work in Progress.

"One of the most courageous things you can do is admit your wrong and recognise your shortcomings. That's the first step towards recovery."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It is our norm as a human being to try our hardest to hide our fears. We hate to let people know that we have fears, let alone talk about it. It makes us seem weak. We keep it inside, trying to ignore it, trying to ditch its existence in our head, with the hope that it will really disappears someday and we no longer have to deal with it. We treat our fear like a child seeking attention; we pretend like it is a small matter and it will vanishes when it gets tired of disturbing our mind.

Or that's how I thought how we should handle it. For God's sake, I couldn't be any more wrong. 

Recently, this one thought kept bothering and lingering around my mind. It is something that I am fear of. It is often there, and when I try to ditch it, it will leave, at least for awhile. And then it will come back -- and my mind is a haunted place again. I tried to convince myself that the feeling's temporary. I often tried to deny its existence. I was in denial.

So this is what fears me for so long.

You know, I am a person who always have my future planned ahead of me. Ever since I knew the real meaning of vision and future, I set my goals and I planned everything that I wanted to achieve, specifically. For example, when I was in standard 6, I planned to enter one of the KAA's classes and learn Arabic language. Checked. When I was in my lower secondary school, I planned to go into a boarding school, any boarding school. I was selected as a TIKL student a year after. Checked. When I was in Form 5, I planned to go to PASUM and take the Physical Science course so that I could pursue my bachelor degree in UTM, in Quantity Surveying. Checked. Checked.

See, I am that annoying, gelabah person who planned everything ahead. Now, I have something to admit. And by admitting it, I want to let myself know that I am not in denial anymore. I know it might be stupid to some of you guys, but I am terribly, terribly scared. I am scared, because for the first time in my life, I don't have a vision of what will I be after I graduated. I could not imagine my place years from now. I do not know what I want to do with my life next. Actually, I have something in mind, but I don't know if I have the courage to do it, considering it is way too different than the course I am taking now. I don't have the confidence. So, here I am, feeling scared of my own future.

Everyone seems to be so clear about everything. Everyone is taking one step ahead, while here I am, like a still lake, not knowing where to move, or even how to move. I don't think I am getting better in my study. I used to look forward to graduation. I was that girl who got high hopes seeing people in their robe, holding that precious certificate, smiling genuinely to the camera. Graduation ceremony was an event I looked forward to every year. Now the feeling is not the same. I still love it, though. I love seeing people's reactions on that event. But I am no longer that girl who wishes to graduate soon so that I could start my career immediately. I feel...plain.

I told this to my best friend hours ago. I was not in my best state and I somehow blurted it all out (here's a hint on how bad it is -- my nose was blocked and I can hardly breathe. Yeah. That bad -_-). I tried to find words for what was bothering me all along. I gathered all the courage I have to confront my friend (and maybe myself too) and arranged whatever that bothered me into words so that people could understand. So that I could understand.  I chose to talk about my fear. And you know what? It felt good. It felt really good. Things get less heavier when you share it with someone. At times you may thought you're strong enough to handle it and move on, so let me tell you this, every time, you are wrong. Even if none of your fear could be removed by telling someone about it, at least there is someone who will take you by the hand and let you know that it's going to be okay because she's there, and she will be there as you go through all these things. She didn't let me believe that I am worthless, and she told me that things are going to get better. Of course I knew about all these. But sometimes you need someone to say it out loud, so that you could convince yourself that you're not hallucinating. So that you know that of course it is going to get better, you idiot. (You = I, so I am calling myself idiot, not you, please).

I am a work in progress, so if I mess up, it's okay. It will get better. Same goes to you. We are all works in progress. And there is no such thing as a smooth and perfect work. We just have to deal with the errors we made and hope for the better. So yeah, whatever it is that you're scared of, don't deny it. Confront it. Admitting your fears is an act of courage too, you know :)