BFF vs BF.

Hi assalamualaikum.

Aku ada seorang kawan yang mengadu pada aku yang dia dipulaukan kawan-kawan disebabkan kawan-kawan dia terasa bila dia mengutamakan bf dia. Sebelum ni dia duduk di blok yang jauh sikit sebab malas nak bersua muka dengan kawan-kawan yang memulaukan dia tu. Sekarang dia dah duduk dengan kitorang, barulah dia cakap, nasib baik ada lagi orang sudi nak berkawan dengan dia. Entahlah, bagi aku, walaupun apa yang dia buat tu salah, tapi macam tak sedap jugalah pulaukan orang. Padahal dah kawan lebih dua tahun. Bagi aku, memang lumrah manusia lah bila seseorang tu ada someone special yang bertakhta di hati, leuls. Memang akan biased, dan memang orang yang paling rapat dengan dia akan terasa. Benda ni tak boleh elak, cuma ada orang yang kritikal dan ada yang tak.  Aku pernah berada di situasi kedua-dua belah pihak. Maksud aku, aku pernah mengabaikan orang, dan aku pernah diabaikan.

Apa yang aku rasa waktu aku mengabaikan orang? To be honest, aku tak rasa apa-apa. Masa tu tengah bahagia kot, nak fikir apa bendanya lagi. Mana aku sedar ada hati-hati yang terasa dengan apa yang aku buat. Masa tu tak ada nak fikir perasaan orang sekeliling yang lain. Yang penting, perasaan kau dan yang seorang tu yang kau rasa sangat penting dalam hidup kau. Kawan baik ke apa ke, waktu tu kau macam fikir, apahalnya dia nak terasa pulak? Bukan kau buang dia terus. Kau cuma kurangkan masa dengan dia sikit je, sebab ada banyak hati yang kau kena jaga (padahal kau kisah pasal jaga hati seorang tu je). Macam tulah lebih kurang. Yes, macam bodoh dan sombong pun ada. Bila dah keluar dari zon tu, barulah kau sedar kau memang bodoh sebab salah letak priority. Tapi yalah, waktu kau di awang-awangan, serius tak terlintas di fikiran kau tentang orang lain yang terasa dengan kau. Alhamdulillah, kawan yang terasa dengan aku tu dah maafkan aku pun, dan kitorang jadi lebih rapat dan matang dah sekarang, alhamdulillah. Aku tak boleh imagine kalau aku hilang dia sebab perbuatan bodoh aku :(

Okay, sekarang aku nak cerita dari sudut aku terabai pula. Bahagian ni panjang sikit ceritanya. Mungkin panjang banyak. Aku kena macam ni banyak kali, tiga kali to be exact hahaha. Balasan tuhan kot sebab mengabaikan kawan baik aku dulu. Tapi aku cerita pengalaman yang latest je lah, sebab masih berlaku sekarang, cuma persepsi aku dah berubah.

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Dulu aku ingat aku lonely.

Kawan rapat aku kat sini (tempat aku belajar) ada bf. Pada mata orang lain, kitorang memang macam belangkas. Pergi kuliah ke, exam ke, mesti sama-sama. That's what most people see during the classes. What people don't see is that other than going to classes together, we rarely spend any time with each other because the rest of her times are reserved for his bf. Aku rasa tak payah bagitahu in details lah apa dia buat waktu selain kelas ataupun waktu hujung minggu. Nanti takut tersalah interpretasi dan nampak macam aku terburukkan dia. She's still a good friend of mine and a good person, wallahi. Selama empat semester, aku rasa terabai. I reached my limit at the end of the fourth semester. Ada satu malam, aku ingat lagi, masa tu study week, terjadilah satu kejadian di mana aku sangat marah dengan dia (bf related) sampai tahap aku menggigil, menangis dan tutup lampu bilik supaya tak ada orang cari aku. Aku menangis sampai tertidur, sedangkan esoknya tu ada paper. Aku tak sabar nak habis exam, aku nak balik cepat. I spent the remaining of the exam weeks looking very normal, but deep inside I was really depressed.

Semester tu, result aku jatuh teruk. Jatuh teruk yang sampai meranapkan impian aku nak dapat ANC untuk degree. Yang memusnahkan harapan aku nak hadiahkan ANC untuk mak ayah aku. The only semester that I didn't make it to dean's list. That was the moment when I thought I needed to do something with myself. I was devastating myself with the problem. I needed to change my life and my perception towards her. I can't go on with this grudge inside me. I can't go back to the university with the same bad feeling inside. It's an unhealthy feeling and I didn't want that.

The first step I made was the hardest, but I did it anyway. I forgave her for everything that she did. I struggled to say to myself that I need to forgive her every night before I sleep. Everytime I tried to forgive her, the horrible flashbacks came rushing into my mind, then I istighfar a lot. Aku fikir, aku ni mana boleh nak marah sangat. Aku sendiri pun banyak dosa. Aku istighfar sampai tertidur. Aku buat benda yang sama berulang-ulang setiap hari sampai hati aku rasa aku betul-betul dah maafkan dia. Lama jugak, dalam sebulan aku ulang rutin yang sama sebelum tidur.

Second step, bila aku masuk semester baru, aku luaskan range kawan-kawan aku. Aku mula rajinkan diri bersembang dengan semua orang. I treat everyone nicely. Aku try blend in dengan semua puak-puak yang ada dalam kelas. Aku join aktiviti-aktiviti dengan kawan-kawan kelas aku, yang formal dan tak formal, tanpa mengharapkan 'dia' ikut sekali. It was awkward at first, sebab masing-masing dah ada puak kan. Kalau aku ni watak dalam cerita Divergent, aku ni kira seorang Divergent lah. Kakaka. Alhamdulillah, I found my pace. Aku rasa semua orang terima aku. Aku rasa disayangi oleh semua orang :D Ceh, bajet. Dan kawan-kawan baik aku daripada tempat-tempat lain pun masih ada dengan aku susah senang. So alhamdulillah, things got better for me. I realized that I was never lonely. The best part is all of my classmates think that I am approachable everytime they need a company or any help. I am glad that they think I am a trustworthy person :) Dan result pun dah naik balik sebab sekarang dah ada join study group. And some of my classmates happened to be the best travel partners that I have ever had (we travelled to a lot of places together).

So here I am, gaining back my pace, after all that happened to me. Now, I want to focus on all the good things that happening around me and indulge in my last remaining year, and to make it a great and memorable one. And of course to graduate on time, hopefully. Haha.

Whatever it is that happens, alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

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Aku dah warning kat atas kan cerita aku panjang. Hahaha. Anyway, aku dah cuba untuk tulis dalam bahasa melayu sepenuhnya tapi gagal. Aku minta maaf pada sesiapa yang benci tulisan rojak dalam blog. I hope my story is good enough for you to ignore this rojak language.

So what I am trying to emphasize here is, there is always another way to end your sorrow. Life is too short to ditch everyone around you. Instead of hating someone who hurt us and hoping that she will change herself, why don't we change ourselves and our perspective? Now I have no grudge towards that one good friend, and I learn to appreciate her again. She is after all a good human being but with flaws. Aren't we all? I should be thankful that despite the honest not-so-nice comments I always give her (because I am that brutally honest), she could accept me as who I am and remain as a close friend. Sooo yeah, try to treat everyone nicely. You'll be surprised at how life treats you nicely back :)

Pointless.

Hi Assalamualaikum.

Apparently this is the last week for me here in Serdang before I have to go back to Johor this saturday. Mind you, I have been staying here for about 8 months now. Leaving home this time will be more difficult because I am now got used to live in my own house with my parents :'( I have never stayed so long at home, the last time was in 2009, before I leave for boarding school. This is saaaaaddd. I guess the thing with always being somewhere else makes you appreciate home a little bit more and now that you're finally home you don't really want to leave again (except going for a holiday) and ohh I sound so pathetic right now -__-

To make it worse, I will be facing my final year which requires me to write my thesis and I haven't even got any idea for my thesis title! And I have to submit the proposal in two weeks time. Congratulations, Sue. Congratulations.

Seriously, I have a feeling that this year will be a tough and emotional one :| Saya tak harap banyak dah. Cuma berharap dapat grad on time dan buat mak ayah happy dengan anak perempuan dia seorang ni. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kita semua yea.

Life Goals.

Hai assalamualaikum. I was bothered about something I saw earlier, and it turned out that my friend Aqilah was bothered with it too haha. Here is what she had to say about it.

This is my two cents. To me, life goal is a really subjective matter. Each person in life grows up in different environment, different background, different style of living and each of us has our own priorities, which may be different to each other. True that most of us dream of living in a big house, owning expensive cars, affording all branded stuff, etc. But life is not limited to that. What if I tell you that there are some people who will be contented with just having a small but nice house, as long as he gets to live peacefully with his family? What if I tell you, that there are some people who can't bother less about having a luxurious life, as long as he gets to travel all around the world? What if I tell you, that there are people who dreams of settling his life in a quiet village and works on his own garden because that what makes him happy more than all the things he could get in the world?

You see, we don't define life goals based on what most people want to achieve. It is subject to individual. We don't get to say what is right and what is wrong with someone's goal. We don't get to say that the person is not successful in their life just because they don't have what we think they should have. Just because you have one dream and it seems like the most ideal dream, it doesn't mean that others' dream should be the same. Some people are easily contented with the little things they got. It doesn't mean that they are narrow minded, it means they have little expectation and that's okay, if it feels enough for them. Maybe they're thankful with all the little things they have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that having big dreams means that you're not thankful with what you've got. It means you have your own vision and that's okay too. What is not okay is to condemn people for having different life goals than yours.

Have some respect for other people's lives, and have some respect for their dreams too. Just because you were pressurised to do something that is not of your concern or priority yet, don't condemn those who dreams of it, or those who already achieved it. If they are happy with what they do, then let them be. Be happy for them. Maybe their dream is not as big as yours, but maybe it takes a lot more effort for them to achieve it. Maybe they were born in a different environment that is a lot poorer than yours. For example, my friend used to chase all the money and all the luxury in this world, but ever since she has a child of her own, her only dream is to provide a good life for her child. You can't tell her she lost a lot in her life because she sacrificed her teenage life by working so hard for the sake of her child. Because having him as her child means more than anything in her life. Her child is her dream.

What I am trying to say here is, create your own life goals. Have some vision. Plan your life. You can choose to tell it to the world, or keep quiet about it, we won't mind. But let's agree that every person has a different life goal, and each of us need to respect it provided it is not harmful to others. The world will be a better place if everyone is supportive of each other, right? ;)

My current goal. Hmphh *heavy breathing*

A Work in Progress.

"One of the most courageous things you can do is admit your wrong and recognise your shortcomings. That's the first step towards recovery."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It is our norm as a human being to try our hardest to hide our fears. We hate to let people know that we have fears, let alone talk about it. It makes us seem weak. We keep it inside, trying to ignore it, trying to ditch its existence in our head, with the hope that it will really disappears someday and we no longer have to deal with it. We treat our fear like a child seeking attention; we pretend like it is a small matter and it will vanishes when it gets tired of disturbing our mind.

Or that's how I thought how we should handle it. For God's sake, I couldn't be any more wrong. 

Recently, this one thought kept bothering and lingering around my mind. It is something that I am fear of. It is often there, and when I try to ditch it, it will leave, at least for awhile. And then it will come back -- and my mind is a haunted place again. I tried to convince myself that the feeling's temporary. I often tried to deny its existence. I was in denial.

So this is what fears me for so long.

You know, I am a person who always have my future planned ahead of me. Ever since I knew the real meaning of vision and future, I set my goals and I planned everything that I wanted to achieve, specifically. For example, when I was in standard 6, I planned to enter one of the KAA's classes and learn Arabic language. Checked. When I was in my lower secondary school, I planned to go into a boarding school, any boarding school. I was selected as a TIKL student a year after. Checked. When I was in Form 5, I planned to go to PASUM and take the Physical Science course so that I could pursue my bachelor degree in UTM, in Quantity Surveying. Checked. Checked.

See, I am that annoying, gelabah person who planned everything ahead. Now, I have something to admit. And by admitting it, I want to let myself know that I am not in denial anymore. I know it might be stupid to some of you guys, but I am terribly, terribly scared. I am scared, because for the first time in my life, I don't have a vision of what will I be after I graduated. I could not imagine my place years from now. I do not know what I want to do with my life next. Actually, I have something in mind, but I don't know if I have the courage to do it, considering it is way too different than the course I am taking now. I don't have the confidence. So, here I am, feeling scared of my own future.

Everyone seems to be so clear about everything. Everyone is taking one step ahead, while here I am, like a still lake, not knowing where to move, or even how to move. I don't think I am getting better in my study. I used to look forward to graduation. I was that girl who got high hopes seeing people in their robe, holding that precious certificate, smiling genuinely to the camera. Graduation ceremony was an event I looked forward to every year. Now the feeling is not the same. I still love it, though. I love seeing people's reactions on that event. But I am no longer that girl who wishes to graduate soon so that I could start my career immediately. I feel...plain.

I told this to my best friend hours ago. I was not in my best state and I somehow blurted it all out (here's a hint on how bad it is -- my nose was blocked and I can hardly breathe. Yeah. That bad -_-). I tried to find words for what was bothering me all along. I gathered all the courage I have to confront my friend (and maybe myself too) and arranged whatever that bothered me into words so that people could understand. So that I could understand.  I chose to talk about my fear. And you know what? It felt good. It felt really good. Things get less heavier when you share it with someone. At times you may thought you're strong enough to handle it and move on, so let me tell you this, every time, you are wrong. Even if none of your fear could be removed by telling someone about it, at least there is someone who will take you by the hand and let you know that it's going to be okay because she's there, and she will be there as you go through all these things. She didn't let me believe that I am worthless, and she told me that things are going to get better. Of course I knew about all these. But sometimes you need someone to say it out loud, so that you could convince yourself that you're not hallucinating. So that you know that of course it is going to get better, you idiot. (You = I, so I am calling myself idiot, not you, please).

I am a work in progress, so if I mess up, it's okay. It will get better. Same goes to you. We are all works in progress. And there is no such thing as a smooth and perfect work. We just have to deal with the errors we made and hope for the better. So yeah, whatever it is that you're scared of, don't deny it. Confront it. Admitting your fears is an act of courage too, you know :)  

My Invisible Sanctuary.

Assalamualaikum.

First of all, I would like to apologize to everyone who knows me because I created this invisible sanctuary of mine and I tend to live comfortably in it now. In fact, I might be too comfortable living in my own bubble that I may have hurt several people that I know, including this one person who haven't contacted me for months because she thought I abandoned her and I got tired of her blaming me for not caring enough. Yeah, we fought about this matter for several times already. So, we decided that it would be better if we just stopped the relationship for good.

I am sorry that I couldn't make some people understand, how sometimes I enjoy this solitude. I am sorry that sometimes I avoid calls or meetings, or even confrontations with people. I am sorry for the late replies, or for missing randomly or if I said my goodbye too early. I am sorry that I find it hard to express anything about myself to anyone because I have the thought that it is not important enough. My stories are not important enough. I am sorry that some people were hurt with my actions of not contacting them for days or weeks or months. I am sorry that you feel like I am abandoning you, when in fact is I really don't. I am the kind of person who would randomly get out of my sanctuary and greet you like nothing ever happened because the place I am hiding is timeless and I thought when I get myself out of it, people would still remember me like the last time they did. But everything comes with a consequence, don't they? As much as I hope people would understand how I sometimes enjoy this solitude, I shall make myself understand if people loathe me for being that way and decide to abandon me.

Not many years ago I stopped trying to make people understand. I chose to live my own life and let things go with the flow. My gate is open for anyone to come and leave. So the ones who choose to stay, alhamdulillah, I am thankful enough that they are able to accept me the way I am. If they decide to leave, it's alright. They can always come back if they choose to. And I already have a few friends who are patient enough to bear with this attitude of mine and still love me and layan me when I randomly tell them I miss them and I start a random conversation out of nowhere hahaha. Sorry and thank you <3

All in all, forgive me for being a hardcore introvert and please note that I don't have the thought of changing this attitude, at least not now. Let me tell you this little secret of mine ― I am quite a loner sometimes and I am very comfortable being one.

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it's the air they breathe” ― Susan Cain

Be Careful What You Wish For.

Assalamualaikum. I used to pray so hard for something if I want it so bad, and I was really determined to have it, that I asked Allah to grant it no matter what. I have no thought that maybe the thing I asked for was bad for me. Nope, I didn't spare my thought for that at all. Until something I wished for was granted, but it turned out that it wasn't meant to be mine in the first place. So Allah let me have it for awhile before He took it again to let me know that it was never mine, but He was teaching me a lesson because I was stubborn and I wanted it anyway. Because of that, I have a severe heartbreak and it took me years to be completely okay again. From that moment, I know that I should be careful with what I wish for, so everytime I wish for something new, I also pray to Him to grant me the wish only if it is the best for me.

It's just that lately, I have been wishing for something, and I've been wishing for it so bad that I almost lose my patience waiting for it to happen. I've mentioned about it for an awful lot of times in my prayers, but there's still no sign of it happening. Then, the old thought occurred to me again. What if, this is His way of saying no? What if this is His way to remind me that it is not meant to be for me? Maybe He is sparing something better for me. Maybe He is saving me from heartbreak, because I've been wanting it so bad and if it's not meant to be mine in the first place, He knows that I can't handle losing it. Maybe He is giving me this temporary heartbreak so that I don't have to face series of heartbreaks if I lose the thing I hoped for so bad.

To be honest, it is hard, to want something so bad, yet that one thing is beyond our control and the only option left for us is to tawakkal. Look, you know that Allah doesn't give you something because He knows that even without it, you will be just fine. But telling yourself that in the head for a million times doesn't guarantee that you will acknowledge it and accept it with an open heart. However, you need to trust Allah on this one. It is painful, yes, but it is a temporary pain before you could one day find the hikmah of each of Allah's decision for you. Would you rather have everything you want without His guidance, like a blind man going whichever direction he wishes, and end up in an unknown place? Or would you rather have everything you need, with His guidance, to be where you are supposed to be, even if the road is long and bumpy?

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." - (2:216)

I, too, from this moment, need to learn to put my earnest trust to Allah. I am more afraid of what will I become, if it isn't for His guidance.

White.

"So rescue yourself from these general themes and write about what your everyday life offers you; describe your sorrow and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble, sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.

Assalamualaikum.

Hari ini saya cuba menunaikan janji saya sendiri, untuk menulis di atas 'kertas' baru, dengan cuba bertatih semula mencari jiwa penulis (self-acclaimed) yang telah lama saya sorokkan atas ketakutan-ketakutan bahawa orang tidak mampu menerima dan menghadamkan tulisan-tulisan saya. Sepanjang ketiadaan jiwa yang pengecut itu, saya banyak kali 'ditegur' secara tak langsung oleh penulis-penulis yang saya kira memang berjaya dalam penulisannya. Pada mereka, penulis itu menulis kerana mereka perlu. Mereka menulis untuk mereka sendiri. Penulis yang mahu menulis bukanlah menulis untuk audiens, tetapi kerana setiap curahan itu umpama makanan untuk jiwa mereka.

Jiwa saya yang ini sudah penat bersembunyi. Jari-jemari ini sudah gian mahu menari-nari. Maka tulisan kali ini, adalah saksi bahawa saya ingin menulis semula. Sebagai peringatan untuk diri saya sendiri supaya saya tak mudah putus asa. Saya ingin cuba mengarang semula, biar pendek, biar tak berisi, kerana tulisan-tulisan ini adalah 'penyelamat' saya. Mungkin orang-orang yang kenal saya di alam realiti lebih tahu, saya di luar dan di dalam tulisan-tulisan saya, umpama individu berbeza. Tulisan saya lebih mentah, dan jasad saya lebih 'reserved'. Maka tulisan-tulisan ini adalah untuk personaliti yang lagi satu. Untuk personaliti yang terperangkap dalam jasad yang 'reserved' ini. Semuanya dalam ini - nukilan-nukilan indah, sakit, mentah, lelah.

Saya tahu, tulisan yang baik adalah satu dakwah. Tapi seringkali saya ini sejenis yang lebih suka menulis tentang perkara-perkara sekeliling yang berlaku pada diri saya, tentang pengalaman-pengalaman saya (walaupun tak banyak), tentang rasa saya atas sesuatu yang berlaku jika dibandingkan dengan menulis tentang isu-isu yang selalu diketengahkan masyarakat. Sebab perasaan saya tentang perkara-perkara yang berlaku sekeliling saya adalah lebih 'selamat' untuk diri saya sendiri. Jadi, saya tak pasti kalau-kalau tulisan-tulisan saya boleh menjadi satu dakwah. Yang penting, saya harap setiap tulisan dan kisah saya boleh buat orang mendalami dan berfikir. Kalau positif, alhamdulillah. Kalau negatif, cari hikmah di sebalik setiap kata-kata saya, insyaAllah.

Oh, tentang blog lama, sebenarnya blog tersebut masih wujud. Title untuk  blog ini pun masih saya kekalkan seperti dulu. Mana mungkin saya buang sesuatu yang pernah menjadi sejarah hidup saya, sesuatu yang menjadi bukti siapa saya yang dulu, ke mana arah tuju saya dan apa yang membentuk siapa saya yang sekarang. Semuanya ada dalam blog itu. Cuma saya simpan semua itu dalam simpanan peribadi. Cukuplah saya yang baca bukti-bukti perkembangan hidup saya dari dulu. Baik yang indah mahupun yang perit ditelan. Ya, saya memang sejenis yang susah nak lupakan sesuatu yang pernah menjadi sejarah hidup saya. Tinggalkan untuk kebaikan, mungkin ya. Tapi untuk melupakan tu, sungguhlah tidak mampu.

So, dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha mengasihani, izinkan saya memulakan kisah baru saya detik ini :)