I'll Take You Home.

Semoga sentiasa dalam jagaan dan peliharaan Allah.

Ini yang aku sering titipkan pada insan-insan yang aku sayang. Alangkah aku ingin menjelaskan betapa itu adalah sebuah doa yang ikhlas untuk kau. Doa yang sepenuh-penuh harapan pada Dia sebab aku memang betul-betul rasa helpless, dan doa itu timbul kerana aku sedar hakikat Allah mengetahui setiap apa yang berlaku terhadap hambaNya, and no matter where you are, He is there. He will always look after you. And I really want to look after you but I can't, but Allah is the most powerful and He knows better what's in your heart. How you really feel inside. Sebuah doa yang timbul sebab aku harap yang dipelihara bukan saja jasad, malah hati, jiwa, dan minda kau.

Dan kalau Allah tunjukkan pada aku yang kau adalah salah satu tujuan aku dihidupkan dan dipanjangkan nyawa di muka bumi ni pun, aku redha. Because you're worth it. Sungguh, definisi cinta yang Allah wujudkan untuk hambaNya ni sebenarnya luas. Cinta yang aku rasa ni, memang cinta yang sungguh-sungguh, cinta yang tahap aku minta Allah pelihara sebab entahlah, I have no exact words to describe how you've changed my life, how you're one of the reason why I am who I am right now.

I wish I could tell you to just go home whenever you tell me you're tired and you want to go home, because a part of me want you here with me as well. A part of me want you to go home, because all I wanted was to hug you ever so tightly and comfort you and tell you that I am right here for you but I can't and I won't. Because I know you're stronger than you think you are. Allah knows that you could endure more than you think you could. I want you to move on, move as long as you can. I'll be right behind you. Kalau Allah percaya kita boleh jadi kuat, kenapa kita tak percaya dengan diri kita sendiri, kan? :)

Allah is teaching you something great. We may not know what is it yet but you are a great person. You are so very special in my eyes. Please, please know that. So I want you to move on. I'll be right here for you biiznillah.


Don't worry about being home. You're home now, here in my heart.

"The Day Will Come When You'll Be Glad You Didn't Give Up."

Hi assalamualaikum.

I felt so overwhelmed by the things that happened to me today that I need to share it with you guys.

This week is a hectic week for us all because we need to propose our PSM topics to our supervisor to be discussed. I swear if you could take a look into my mind right now, there's nothing else but all the mixed up issues and topics regarding construction industry. We need to at least find two topic proposals for our research to be submitted next week.  So far I have only discussed with my supervisor about one topic, which is a case study to be conducted regarding school projects in Johor Bahru. My second topic area is quite vague so my supervisor advised me to discard it and find another topic.

So today I called several departments in charge for the school projects. None of the calls were answered. I started to feel really down, so I decided to take a nap to let my mind rest for a while because my mind has been working non-stop. Imagine last night I accidentally woke up and I can't go back to sleep so I thought about my research topic, at 3 in the morning, and I have class at 8.00 a.m -__- Okay, so when I woke up from my nap and before I had my lunch, I decided to give it a try again. At my second attempt, finally someone answered me. Let's skip this part because there's a lot of passing my call to department here and there before I could speak with the right person. Finally, the person in charge told me that I need to first write a letter to Pusat Islam Iskandar and they'll consider if I could collect all the information I need for my case study. I had many experiences of meeting people in the working environment and I know when it involves data collection, the process is very time consuming and I couldn't even be certain that I could get full access to the data.

That was the moment when I knew I was in trouble.

For your information, before we need to submit our topic proposal (which is next week), we need to consider where could we obtain the data and we have to be certain that the data is accessible. Imagine that after you submitted your topic and your topic is accepted, but suddenly you couldn't obtain any data because it is confidential for example, your PSM is considered a failure and you need to drop the subject, which means you need to extend another year to propose another research. ANOTHER FREAKING YEAR. God, even just thinking about it makes me feel stressful.

I asked for my supervisor's advice and even she advised me to find another topic. I was so stressed out. So I took a moment for myself and I genuinely prayed to Allah to help ease my way. I was really in need of His help. I was so close to giving up, I almost cried and I had to convince myself to stay calm, up to the point that I told myself out loud not to cry. I put all my hope, my faith to Him. I asked Him to make me stay composed even in hard times.

Before I could let myself feel disappointed and give up, I decided to go to my faculty information center (BIC), to look up for previous research topics, in case going through the titles could help me find new ideas to come up for my research.  I was so done depending on my friends to help me with this problem because it is mine and I don't want to burden them, so I went there alone. Then, a miracle happened :)

When I arrived at BIC, I met Dr. Rosli. Dr. Rosli is a senior lecturer who has recently retired, and his experience in QS profession is topnotch. I was surprised to see him there, well, considering he didn't work in our faculty anymore. I didn't know what he saw in me, but I guess he felt pity that I was alone struggling to find the topics. Ha ha. We had a little chat. He asked who my supervisor is, which area of study am I interested in, etc. Then, he started to share his knowledge and experience. Lastly, he gave me ideas about research topics in my preferred areas. He really gave me a lot of ideas. Like, really lot. I felt so inspired, I felt like crying at that moment. I thank Allah for sending him there, at the right moment when I really needed it. I am so grateful for his kindness, and His kindness. I thought about how He really listened to my prayer. I felt really undeserved, because I have sinned a lot, yet He still listened to my prayer and granted it. I came back to my room feeling so blessed, and my spirit is uplifted again. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal :)

Imagine if I give up earlier, I wouldn't go to BIC, I wouldn't meet Dr. Rosli. I wouldn't have any new ideas regarding my research topic. Sungguhlah, Allah yang menggerakkan hati tadi. Thank You.

"Physics. Bila Tekanan Tinggi, Kita Cari Ruang."

Have you ever listened to your loved one's broken voice and you could feel the physical pain inside?

Have you ever wanted to hug someone so tightly and wish that your hug could prevent her from being broken into pieces? Like you need to hold her tight to keep that fragile soul from shattering?

Have you ever wish that you could fly all the way to where your loved one is regardless the distance, just so you could hold her and be there for her, even when you could not think of any right advice to give her? You want to hold her so that even in the suffocating moment, she knows that you're there. Even when all things seemed to fail, you're there for her. Because your mere presence makes it more bearable.

Have you ever wish that you could channel some of your strength to someone else in any way possible? As in you tell the person to 'be strong' and the word has some magical effect that somehow will channel some of your strength towards that person?

Have you ever wish that only for that one day, you were granted with a soothing voice so you could sing your loved ones some lullabies to calm her down and let her sleep to ease off her mind? 

---

"I pray that whoever reads this, that God heals whatever is hurting you.

Whatever is causing all those precious tears to fall from your eyes; whatever is breaking your heart, if it’s stress, anxiety, pain, illness, sadness, worry, the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a broken engagement, anything.

I pray that God heals all that is causing your distress and that He gives you something greater in return."

Dalam ruang kau, yang pastinya ada Allah. Dan terpulang pada kau sama ada mahu wujudkan aku dalam ruang kau atau tidak. Tapi biiznillah, aku selalu ada jika bila-bila masa kau perlukan aku dan ingin tarik aku masuk dalam ruang tersebut :)

I Can Almost See You.

(Taman Tasik Taiping, 190715)

"Every single ordinary person has an extraordinary story. We might all think that we are unremarkable, that our lives are boring, just because we aren't doing ground-breaking things or making headlines or winning award. But the truth is we all do something that is fascinating, that is brave, that is something we should be proud of. Every day people do things that are not celebrated." - Cecelia Ahern, One Hundred Names

I thought of all the brief conversations we had. I thought about how - in those short times, you made me feel loved. You filled my heart. I thought about how - those conversations we had about songs and books and stories - each simple conversation makes me feel that I am having a good life because of all the things in the world, I got to have you. God knows we don't contact each other very much. But every time when we do, I thank God for letting you be here in my life. 

From my earnest heart, I wish that more people would recognize you for the beautiful things that you did to me. I wish there would be little sparkles following you around, wherever you go, so that whenever you walk, whenever you meet people, they will immediately know how you are an ordinary person with an extraordinary story. I know how you will tell me that you too have flaws. You too have your dark moments, sometimes you fall and you're afraid that other people know that you've failed miserably at times. So you too, need to know that despite all that, despite whatever you think of yourself, I knew about it and I am okay with it. I am okay with every piece of you, I am okay with every single mess that you made and every single life that you've changed with your existence. I want to stay with you for who you are, biiznillah.

I pray that someday someone will look at you beyond all the skin's deep, I pray that someone will see you exactly like how I see you through my eyes, or even better. I wish someday there will be more people who'd appreciate you. I wish someday more people will listen to you, to your beautiful stories. 

And this -- is my story about you :)

*The title of this post is from a song by Hammock, which I listened to as I was writing this post.

Lost and Not Found.

Assalamualaikum. Today I received the news that one of my classmates, Mohd Amirul'Zaki has passed away due to cancer. To be honest, I don't really know him because he was a direct intake student from UTM KL and we've only been classmates for a semester before he decided to postpone his study because he needed to undergo an operation. The last time I saw him was late last year or early this year I guess. He went to visit us at the end of a studio session. He looked healthy at that time and though I didn't talk to him, I felt relieved to see him that way. Who knows thing could change tremendously in just a few months.

Truthfully, I haven't had much experience with the death of someone close to me, be it a family member or a close friend. The last time I had to deal with someone's death was years ago - the death of my grandfather (on my mother's side). I was still in primary school during that time, and back then I didn't really understand what it feels like to lose someone you care about and how the death could leave huge impact to people around you.

Now that I'm all grown up, I have learned a lot about losing someone you love and I figured it's not easy. So I have to admit that the thought of it scares me. I don't really know how to handle the lost of someone close to me. I could still bear it when someone leaves me but I know they're still there, somewhere in the world, breathing and living the life they choose. But the feeling is different when someone leaves you permanently, and you know they won't ever come back. They don't go different direction, they just disappear.

Zaki's death, though he was not a close friend, has affected me in some way. He reminded me of something I forgot to consider long ago. He reminded me that one day, you're not going to be the one who is being left, you're going to be the one who leave. And perhaps that one day is not so far away. I mean, he was only 23. So yeah, time waits for no man.

I can't help but wonder, when it is finally my time, will I leave a good impression? What will my family members or close friends say about me to others? Is it easy for them to talk about what are the good things that I've done in this world, or will it take some time for them to recall? Or worse, do they have to lie to others so that I will be portrayed as a good human being? And if I could hear all the things they said after I died, will I be grateful and proud of it, or will I be ashamed because deep inside I know I was not the person who they thought I was?

I want to be as close to the surface as I can. I want to be the person people thought I am. But truthfully, I will never be that close to the surface. I am that huge iceberg that contains so much more down under, and down there it is a combination of both beautiful and ugly pieces. I want to leave a good impression when I'm gone. I want to be remembered as a good person, and for that to happen, I need to scratch the ugly pieces from me, as much as I could before my time comes.

Semoga Allah mengurniakan kita dengan husnul khatimah yea. Pengakhiran yang baik :)

Mohon sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat rakan saya yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi tadi. Semoga beliau ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yang beriman.