I Can Almost See You.

(Taman Tasik Taiping, 190715)

"Every single ordinary person has an extraordinary story. We might all think that we are unremarkable, that our lives are boring, just because we aren't doing ground-breaking things or making headlines or winning award. But the truth is we all do something that is fascinating, that is brave, that is something we should be proud of. Every day people do things that are not celebrated." - Cecelia Ahern, One Hundred Names

I thought of all the brief conversations we had. I thought about how - in those short times, you made me feel loved. You filled my heart. I thought about how - those conversations we had about songs and books and stories - each simple conversation makes me feel that I am having a good life because of all the things in the world, I got to have you. God knows we don't contact each other very much. But every time when we do, I thank God for letting you be here in my life. 

From my earnest heart, I wish that more people would recognize you for the beautiful things that you did to me. I wish there would be little sparkles following you around, wherever you go, so that whenever you walk, whenever you meet people, they will immediately know how you are an ordinary person with an extraordinary story. I know how you will tell me that you too have flaws. You too have your dark moments, sometimes you fall and you're afraid that other people know that you've failed miserably at times. So you too, need to know that despite all that, despite whatever you think of yourself, I knew about it and I am okay with it. I am okay with every piece of you, I am okay with every single mess that you made and every single life that you've changed with your existence. I want to stay with you for who you are, biiznillah.

I pray that someday someone will look at you beyond all the skin's deep, I pray that someone will see you exactly like how I see you through my eyes, or even better. I wish someday there will be more people who'd appreciate you. I wish someday more people will listen to you, to your beautiful stories. 

And this -- is my story about you :)

*The title of this post is from a song by Hammock, which I listened to as I was writing this post.

Lost and Not Found.

Assalamualaikum. Today I received the news that one of my classmates, Mohd Amirul'Zaki has passed away due to cancer. To be honest, I don't really know him because he was a direct intake student from UTM KL and we've only been classmates for a semester before he decided to postpone his study because he needed to undergo an operation. The last time I saw him was late last year or early this year I guess. He went to visit us at the end of a studio session. He looked healthy at that time and though I didn't talk to him, I felt relieved to see him that way. Who knows thing could change tremendously in just a few months.

Truthfully, I haven't had much experience with the death of someone close to me, be it a family member or a close friend. The last time I had to deal with someone's death was years ago - the death of my grandfather (on my mother's side). I was still in primary school during that time, and back then I didn't really understand what it feels like to lose someone you care about and how the death could leave huge impact to people around you.

Now that I'm all grown up, I have learned a lot about losing someone you love and I figured it's not easy. So I have to admit that the thought of it scares me. I don't really know how to handle the lost of someone close to me. I could still bear it when someone leaves me but I know they're still there, somewhere in the world, breathing and living the life they choose. But the feeling is different when someone leaves you permanently, and you know they won't ever come back. They don't go different direction, they just disappear.

Zaki's death, though he was not a close friend, has affected me in some way. He reminded me of something I forgot to consider long ago. He reminded me that one day, you're not going to be the one who is being left, you're going to be the one who leave. And perhaps that one day is not so far away. I mean, he was only 23. So yeah, time waits for no man.

I can't help but wonder, when it is finally my time, will I leave a good impression? What will my family members or close friends say about me to others? Is it easy for them to talk about what are the good things that I've done in this world, or will it take some time for them to recall? Or worse, do they have to lie to others so that I will be portrayed as a good human being? And if I could hear all the things they said after I died, will I be grateful and proud of it, or will I be ashamed because deep inside I know I was not the person who they thought I was?

I want to be as close to the surface as I can. I want to be the person people thought I am. But truthfully, I will never be that close to the surface. I am that huge iceberg that contains so much more down under, and down there it is a combination of both beautiful and ugly pieces. I want to leave a good impression when I'm gone. I want to be remembered as a good person, and for that to happen, I need to scratch the ugly pieces from me, as much as I could before my time comes.

Semoga Allah mengurniakan kita dengan husnul khatimah yea. Pengakhiran yang baik :)

Mohon sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat rakan saya yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi tadi. Semoga beliau ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yang beriman.

My Invisible Sanctuary.

Assalamualaikum.

First of all, I would like to apologize to everyone who knows me because I created this invisible sanctuary of mine and I tend to live comfortably in it now. In fact, I might be too comfortable living in my own bubble that I may have hurt several people that I know, including this one person who haven't contacted me for months because she thought I abandoned her and I got tired of her blaming me for not caring enough. Yeah, we fought about this matter for several times already. So, we decided that it would be better if we just stopped the relationship for good.

I am sorry that I couldn't make some people understand, how sometimes I enjoy this solitude. I am sorry that sometimes I avoid calls or meetings, or even confrontations with people. I am sorry for the late replies, or for missing randomly or if I said my goodbye too early. I am sorry that I find it hard to express anything about myself to anyone because I have the thought that it is not important enough. My stories are not important enough. I am sorry that some people were hurt with my actions of not contacting them for days or weeks or months. I am sorry that you feel like I am abandoning you, when in fact is I really don't. I am the kind of person who would randomly get out of my sanctuary and greet you like nothing ever happened because the place I am hiding is timeless and I thought when I get myself out of it, people would still remember me like the last time they did. But everything comes with a consequence, don't they? As much as I hope people would understand how I sometimes enjoy this solitude, I shall make myself understand if people loathe me for being that way and decide to abandon me.

Not many years ago I stopped trying to make people understand. I chose to live my own life and let things go with the flow. My gate is open for anyone to come and leave. So the ones who choose to stay, alhamdulillah, I am thankful enough that they are able to accept me the way I am. If they decide to leave, it's alright. They can always come back if they choose to. And I already have a few friends who are patient enough to bear with this attitude of mine and still love me and layan me when I randomly tell them I miss them and I start a random conversation out of nowhere hahaha. Sorry and thank you <3

All in all, forgive me for being a hardcore introvert and please note that I don't have the thought of changing this attitude, at least not now. Let me tell you this little secret of mine ― I am quite a loner sometimes and I am very comfortable being one.

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it's the air they breathe” ― Susan Cain

Be Careful What You Wish For.

Assalamualaikum. I used to pray so hard for something if I want it so bad, and I was really determined to have it, that I asked Allah to grant it no matter what. I have no thought that maybe the thing I asked for was bad for me. Nope, I didn't spare my thought for that at all. Until something I wished for was granted, but it turned out that it wasn't meant to be mine in the first place. So Allah let me have it for awhile before He took it again to let me know that it was never mine, but He was teaching me a lesson because I was stubborn and I wanted it anyway. Because of that, I have a severe heartbreak and it took me years to be completely okay again. From that moment, I know that I should be careful with what I wish for, so everytime I wish for something new, I also pray to Him to grant me the wish only if it is the best for me.

It's just that lately, I have been wishing for something, and I've been wishing for it so bad that I almost lose my patience waiting for it to happen. I've mentioned about it for an awful lot of times in my prayers, but there's still no sign of it happening. Then, the old thought occurred to me again. What if, this is His way of saying no? What if this is His way to remind me that it is not meant to be for me? Maybe He is sparing something better for me. Maybe He is saving me from heartbreak, because I've been wanting it so bad and if it's not meant to be mine in the first place, He knows that I can't handle losing it. Maybe He is giving me this temporary heartbreak so that I don't have to face series of heartbreaks if I lose the thing I hoped for so bad.

To be honest, it is hard, to want something so bad, yet that one thing is beyond our control and the only option left for us is to tawakkal. Look, you know that Allah doesn't give you something because He knows that even without it, you will be just fine. But telling yourself that in the head for a million times doesn't guarantee that you will acknowledge it and accept it with an open heart. However, you need to trust Allah on this one. It is painful, yes, but it is a temporary pain before you could one day find the hikmah of each of Allah's decision for you. Would you rather have everything you want without His guidance, like a blind man going whichever direction he wishes, and end up in an unknown place? Or would you rather have everything you need, with His guidance, to be where you are supposed to be, even if the road is long and bumpy?

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." - (2:216)

I, too, from this moment, need to learn to put my earnest trust to Allah. I am more afraid of what will I become, if it isn't for His guidance.

White.

"So rescue yourself from these general themes and write about what your everyday life offers you; describe your sorrow and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble, sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.

Assalamualaikum.

Hari ini saya cuba menunaikan janji saya sendiri, untuk menulis di atas 'kertas' baru, dengan cuba bertatih semula mencari jiwa penulis (self-acclaimed) yang telah lama saya sorokkan atas ketakutan-ketakutan bahawa orang tidak mampu menerima dan menghadamkan tulisan-tulisan saya. Sepanjang ketiadaan jiwa yang pengecut itu, saya banyak kali 'ditegur' secara tak langsung oleh penulis-penulis yang saya kira memang berjaya dalam penulisannya. Pada mereka, penulis itu menulis kerana mereka perlu. Mereka menulis untuk mereka sendiri. Penulis yang mahu menulis bukanlah menulis untuk audiens, tetapi kerana setiap curahan itu umpama makanan untuk jiwa mereka.

Jiwa saya yang ini sudah penat bersembunyi. Jari-jemari ini sudah gian mahu menari-nari. Maka tulisan kali ini, adalah saksi bahawa saya ingin menulis semula. Sebagai peringatan untuk diri saya sendiri supaya saya tak mudah putus asa. Saya ingin cuba mengarang semula, biar pendek, biar tak berisi, kerana tulisan-tulisan ini adalah 'penyelamat' saya. Mungkin orang-orang yang kenal saya di alam realiti lebih tahu, saya di luar dan di dalam tulisan-tulisan saya, umpama individu berbeza. Tulisan saya lebih mentah, dan jasad saya lebih 'reserved'. Maka tulisan-tulisan ini adalah untuk personaliti yang lagi satu. Untuk personaliti yang terperangkap dalam jasad yang 'reserved' ini. Semuanya dalam ini - nukilan-nukilan indah, sakit, mentah, lelah.

Saya tahu, tulisan yang baik adalah satu dakwah. Tapi seringkali saya ini sejenis yang lebih suka menulis tentang perkara-perkara sekeliling yang berlaku pada diri saya, tentang pengalaman-pengalaman saya (walaupun tak banyak), tentang rasa saya atas sesuatu yang berlaku jika dibandingkan dengan menulis tentang isu-isu yang selalu diketengahkan masyarakat. Sebab perasaan saya tentang perkara-perkara yang berlaku sekeliling saya adalah lebih 'selamat' untuk diri saya sendiri. Jadi, saya tak pasti kalau-kalau tulisan-tulisan saya boleh menjadi satu dakwah. Yang penting, saya harap setiap tulisan dan kisah saya boleh buat orang mendalami dan berfikir. Kalau positif, alhamdulillah. Kalau negatif, cari hikmah di sebalik setiap kata-kata saya, insyaAllah.

Oh, tentang blog lama, sebenarnya blog tersebut masih wujud. Title untuk  blog ini pun masih saya kekalkan seperti dulu. Mana mungkin saya buang sesuatu yang pernah menjadi sejarah hidup saya, sesuatu yang menjadi bukti siapa saya yang dulu, ke mana arah tuju saya dan apa yang membentuk siapa saya yang sekarang. Semuanya ada dalam blog itu. Cuma saya simpan semua itu dalam simpanan peribadi. Cukuplah saya yang baca bukti-bukti perkembangan hidup saya dari dulu. Baik yang indah mahupun yang perit ditelan. Ya, saya memang sejenis yang susah nak lupakan sesuatu yang pernah menjadi sejarah hidup saya. Tinggalkan untuk kebaikan, mungkin ya. Tapi untuk melupakan tu, sungguhlah tidak mampu.

So, dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha mengasihani, izinkan saya memulakan kisah baru saya detik ini :)