"The Day Will Come When You'll Be Glad You Didn't Give Up."

Hi assalamualaikum.

I felt so overwhelmed by the things that happened to me today that I need to share it with you guys.

This week is a hectic week for us all because we need to propose our PSM topics to our supervisor to be discussed. I swear if you could take a look into my mind right now, there's nothing else but all the mixed up issues and topics regarding construction industry. We need to at least find two topic proposals for our research to be submitted next week.  So far I have only discussed with my supervisor about one topic, which is a case study to be conducted regarding school projects in Johor Bahru. My second topic area is quite vague so my supervisor advised me to discard it and find another topic.

So today I called several departments in charge for the school projects. None of the calls were answered. I started to feel really down, so I decided to take a nap to let my mind rest for a while because my mind has been working non-stop. Imagine last night I accidentally woke up and I can't go back to sleep so I thought about my research topic, at 3 in the morning, and I have class at 8.00 a.m -__- Okay, so when I woke up from my nap and before I had my lunch, I decided to give it a try again. At my second attempt, finally someone answered me. Let's skip this part because there's a lot of passing my call to department here and there before I could speak with the right person. Finally, the person in charge told me that I need to first write a letter to Pusat Islam Iskandar and they'll consider if I could collect all the information I need for my case study. I had many experiences of meeting people in the working environment and I know when it involves data collection, the process is very time consuming and I couldn't even be certain that I could get full access to the data.

That was the moment when I knew I was in trouble.

For your information, before we need to submit our topic proposal (which is next week), we need to consider where could we obtain the data and we have to be certain that the data is accessible. Imagine that after you submitted your topic and your topic is accepted, but suddenly you couldn't obtain any data because it is confidential for example, your PSM is considered a failure and you need to drop the subject, which means you need to extend another year to propose another research. ANOTHER FREAKING YEAR. God, even just thinking about it makes me feel stressful.

I asked for my supervisor's advice and even she advised me to find another topic. I was so stressed out. So I took a moment for myself and I genuinely prayed to Allah to help ease my way. I was really in need of His help. I was so close to giving up, I almost cried and I had to convince myself to stay calm, up to the point that I told myself out loud not to cry. I put all my hope, my faith to Him. I asked Him to make me stay composed even in hard times.

Before I could let myself feel disappointed and give up, I decided to go to my faculty information center (BIC), to look up for previous research topics, in case going through the titles could help me find new ideas to come up for my research.  I was so done depending on my friends to help me with this problem because it is mine and I don't want to burden them, so I went there alone. Then, a miracle happened :)

When I arrived at BIC, I met Dr. Rosli. Dr. Rosli is a senior lecturer who has recently retired, and his experience in QS profession is topnotch. I was surprised to see him there, well, considering he didn't work in our faculty anymore. I didn't know what he saw in me, but I guess he felt pity that I was alone struggling to find the topics. Ha ha. We had a little chat. He asked who my supervisor is, which area of study am I interested in, etc. Then, he started to share his knowledge and experience. Lastly, he gave me ideas about research topics in my preferred areas. He really gave me a lot of ideas. Like, really lot. I felt so inspired, I felt like crying at that moment. I thank Allah for sending him there, at the right moment when I really needed it. I am so grateful for his kindness, and His kindness. I thought about how He really listened to my prayer. I felt really undeserved, because I have sinned a lot, yet He still listened to my prayer and granted it. I came back to my room feeling so blessed, and my spirit is uplifted again. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal :)

Imagine if I give up earlier, I wouldn't go to BIC, I wouldn't meet Dr. Rosli. I wouldn't have any new ideas regarding my research topic. Sungguhlah, Allah yang menggerakkan hati tadi. Thank You.

BFF vs BF.

Hi assalamualaikum.

Aku ada seorang kawan yang mengadu pada aku yang dia dipulaukan kawan-kawan disebabkan kawan-kawan dia terasa bila dia mengutamakan bf dia. Sebelum ni dia duduk di blok yang jauh sikit sebab malas nak bersua muka dengan kawan-kawan yang memulaukan dia tu. Sekarang dia dah duduk dengan kitorang, barulah dia cakap, nasib baik ada lagi orang sudi nak berkawan dengan dia. Entahlah, bagi aku, walaupun apa yang dia buat tu salah, tapi macam tak sedap jugalah pulaukan orang. Padahal dah kawan lebih dua tahun. Bagi aku, memang lumrah manusia lah bila seseorang tu ada someone special yang bertakhta di hati, leuls. Memang akan biased, dan memang orang yang paling rapat dengan dia akan terasa. Benda ni tak boleh elak, cuma ada orang yang kritikal dan ada yang tak.  Aku pernah berada di situasi kedua-dua belah pihak. Maksud aku, aku pernah mengabaikan orang, dan aku pernah diabaikan.

Apa yang aku rasa waktu aku mengabaikan orang? To be honest, aku tak rasa apa-apa. Masa tu tengah bahagia kot, nak fikir apa bendanya lagi. Mana aku sedar ada hati-hati yang terasa dengan apa yang aku buat. Masa tu tak ada nak fikir perasaan orang sekeliling yang lain. Yang penting, perasaan kau dan yang seorang tu yang kau rasa sangat penting dalam hidup kau. Kawan baik ke apa ke, waktu tu kau macam fikir, apahalnya dia nak terasa pulak? Bukan kau buang dia terus. Kau cuma kurangkan masa dengan dia sikit je, sebab ada banyak hati yang kau kena jaga (padahal kau kisah pasal jaga hati seorang tu je). Macam tulah lebih kurang. Yes, macam bodoh dan sombong pun ada. Bila dah keluar dari zon tu, barulah kau sedar kau memang bodoh sebab salah letak priority. Tapi yalah, waktu kau di awang-awangan, serius tak terlintas di fikiran kau tentang orang lain yang terasa dengan kau. Alhamdulillah, kawan yang terasa dengan aku tu dah maafkan aku pun, dan kitorang jadi lebih rapat dan matang dah sekarang, alhamdulillah. Aku tak boleh imagine kalau aku hilang dia sebab perbuatan bodoh aku :(

Okay, sekarang aku nak cerita dari sudut aku terabai pula. Bahagian ni panjang sikit ceritanya. Mungkin panjang banyak. Aku kena macam ni banyak kali, tiga kali to be exact hahaha. Balasan tuhan kot sebab mengabaikan kawan baik aku dulu. Tapi aku cerita pengalaman yang latest je lah, sebab masih berlaku sekarang, cuma persepsi aku dah berubah.

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Dulu aku ingat aku lonely.

Kawan rapat aku kat sini (tempat aku belajar) ada bf. Pada mata orang lain, kitorang memang macam belangkas. Pergi kuliah ke, exam ke, mesti sama-sama. That's what most people see during the classes. What people don't see is that other than going to classes together, we rarely spend any time with each other because the rest of her times are reserved for his bf. Aku rasa tak payah bagitahu in details lah apa dia buat waktu selain kelas ataupun waktu hujung minggu. Nanti takut tersalah interpretasi dan nampak macam aku terburukkan dia. She's still a good friend of mine and a good person, wallahi. Selama empat semester, aku rasa terabai. I reached my limit at the end of the fourth semester. Ada satu malam, aku ingat lagi, masa tu study week, terjadilah satu kejadian di mana aku sangat marah dengan dia (bf related) sampai tahap aku menggigil, menangis dan tutup lampu bilik supaya tak ada orang cari aku. Aku menangis sampai tertidur, sedangkan esoknya tu ada paper. Aku tak sabar nak habis exam, aku nak balik cepat. I spent the remaining of the exam weeks looking very normal, but deep inside I was really depressed.

Semester tu, result aku jatuh teruk. Jatuh teruk yang sampai meranapkan impian aku nak dapat ANC untuk degree. Yang memusnahkan harapan aku nak hadiahkan ANC untuk mak ayah aku. The only semester that I didn't make it to dean's list. That was the moment when I thought I needed to do something with myself. I was devastating myself with the problem. I needed to change my life and my perception towards her. I can't go on with this grudge inside me. I can't go back to the university with the same bad feeling inside. It's an unhealthy feeling and I didn't want that.

The first step I made was the hardest, but I did it anyway. I forgave her for everything that she did. I struggled to say to myself that I need to forgive her every night before I sleep. Everytime I tried to forgive her, the horrible flashbacks came rushing into my mind, then I istighfar a lot. Aku fikir, aku ni mana boleh nak marah sangat. Aku sendiri pun banyak dosa. Aku istighfar sampai tertidur. Aku buat benda yang sama berulang-ulang setiap hari sampai hati aku rasa aku betul-betul dah maafkan dia. Lama jugak, dalam sebulan aku ulang rutin yang sama sebelum tidur.

Second step, bila aku masuk semester baru, aku luaskan range kawan-kawan aku. Aku mula rajinkan diri bersembang dengan semua orang. I treat everyone nicely. Aku try blend in dengan semua puak-puak yang ada dalam kelas. Aku join aktiviti-aktiviti dengan kawan-kawan kelas aku, yang formal dan tak formal, tanpa mengharapkan 'dia' ikut sekali. It was awkward at first, sebab masing-masing dah ada puak kan. Kalau aku ni watak dalam cerita Divergent, aku ni kira seorang Divergent lah. Kakaka. Alhamdulillah, I found my pace. Aku rasa semua orang terima aku. Aku rasa disayangi oleh semua orang :D Ceh, bajet. Dan kawan-kawan baik aku daripada tempat-tempat lain pun masih ada dengan aku susah senang. So alhamdulillah, things got better for me. I realized that I was never lonely. The best part is all of my classmates think that I am approachable everytime they need a company or any help. I am glad that they think I am a trustworthy person :) Dan result pun dah naik balik sebab sekarang dah ada join study group. And some of my classmates happened to be the best travel partners that I have ever had (we travelled to a lot of places together).

So here I am, gaining back my pace, after all that happened to me. Now, I want to focus on all the good things that happening around me and indulge in my last remaining year, and to make it a great and memorable one. And of course to graduate on time, hopefully. Haha.

Whatever it is that happens, alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

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Aku dah warning kat atas kan cerita aku panjang. Hahaha. Anyway, aku dah cuba untuk tulis dalam bahasa melayu sepenuhnya tapi gagal. Aku minta maaf pada sesiapa yang benci tulisan rojak dalam blog. I hope my story is good enough for you to ignore this rojak language.

So what I am trying to emphasize here is, there is always another way to end your sorrow. Life is too short to ditch everyone around you. Instead of hating someone who hurt us and hoping that she will change herself, why don't we change ourselves and our perspective? Now I have no grudge towards that one good friend, and I learn to appreciate her again. She is after all a good human being but with flaws. Aren't we all? I should be thankful that despite the honest not-so-nice comments I always give her (because I am that brutally honest), she could accept me as who I am and remain as a close friend. Sooo yeah, try to treat everyone nicely. You'll be surprised at how life treats you nicely back :)

Daun yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin.

"Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa kami serta kedua ibu bapa kami..."

I felt a drop of tears falling on my right cheek as the voice on the speaker is heard. I let out a light sob, I hope no one caught me crying during that doa. I have not been there for 3 years and I forgot how serene the place could be. How in the brief moment, I met myself again - the one I missed for so long. I thought about my mother and my father. I thought about my family. I thought about my best friends. I thought about how I should be thankful of all the opportunities I have right in front of me. I thought about how I have a choice, to do my very best or to give up.

“Daun yang jatuh tak pernah membenci angin, dia membiarkan dirinya jatuh begitu saja. Tak melawan, mengikhlaskan semuanya.

Bahwa hidup harus menerima, penerimaan yang indah. Bahwa hidup harus mengerti, pengertian yang benar. Bahwa hidup harus memahami, pemahaman yang tulus.

Tak peduli lewat apa penerimaan, pengertian, pemahaman itu datang. Tak masalah meski lewat kejadian yang sedih dan menyakitkan. Biarkan dia jatuh sebagaimana mestinya. Biarkan angin merengkuhnya, membawa pergi entah kemana.” 

― Tere Liye, Daun Yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin

Dear myself,

I am sorry that I let my fear brings the worst out of you. I am sorry that I let you feel worthless just because I was not blessed with the same thing as she was. I am sorry that I let you worry too much. I am sorry that I let you believe that you failed miserably in life, just because of that one thing, and I failed to let you see what are the other good things happening around you. Be free, now. Be nice to yourself. Have a firm faith in Allah for whatever He plans for you. Do not be so timid of yourself. May your bitter trials turn to be your best blessings.

Be free, and be you :)

Pointless.

Hi Assalamualaikum.

Apparently this is the last week for me here in Serdang before I have to go back to Johor this saturday. Mind you, I have been staying here for about 8 months now. Leaving home this time will be more difficult because I am now got used to live in my own house with my parents :'( I have never stayed so long at home, the last time was in 2009, before I leave for boarding school. This is saaaaaddd. I guess the thing with always being somewhere else makes you appreciate home a little bit more and now that you're finally home you don't really want to leave again (except going for a holiday) and ohh I sound so pathetic right now -__-

To make it worse, I will be facing my final year which requires me to write my thesis and I haven't even got any idea for my thesis title! And I have to submit the proposal in two weeks time. Congratulations, Sue. Congratulations.

Seriously, I have a feeling that this year will be a tough and emotional one :| Saya tak harap banyak dah. Cuma berharap dapat grad on time dan buat mak ayah happy dengan anak perempuan dia seorang ni. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kita semua yea.