Enough is Enough.

"I lost something that I thought defined me and I felt like a shell of a person. Instead of trying to get back, I had to figure out why I couldn't be whole all by myself." 

– Cecelia Ahern, The Year I Met You

"Often the slow pace of change can be painful, lonely, and confusing, but without us realising it's happening, it happens. We look back and think 'who was that person?' when during it we think 'who am I becoming?' And at what exact point was it that we crossed over that line, when one version of us became the next?  But it is thanks to the slowness that we remember the journey, we reserve the sense of where we were, where we are going and why." 

– Cecelia Ahern, The Year I Met You

I need to stop.

I need to stop whatever harm I am doing to myself. I need to stop letting myself be in this miserable state for another devastating minute. I need to stop these self-loathe, destructive thoughts I am having. I need to stop worrying and feeling worthless. I am better than this. I should know that more than anyone else. It is my life, my body, my mind.

I will not let one toxic person judges me, defines me as a mistake, as a shameful person. I am not a mistake. My life is not a mistake. I am good at something. I am good at things I love. I have a blessed family, and good friends around me. I am worthy of something. I might not be able to figure out my life right now, but that's fine. I will not let you make me continously believe that I am a loser in life. I will make sure that I keep my life on track with Allah's help. I have Allah and I have hope. I hold on to that hope because I know my dependency, my faith on Him is what keeps me going. I know that things aren't easy for me right now, that I am falling apart in some things, but I will not let myself stoop so low and prove you're right about me.

Yes, I admit now that I lost some things that were important to me, and I admit that it is hard to cope at first. I am coping, and I will not give up in life just because some things were taken off from me. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. For the things that are given, and for the things that are lost. Every single of this worldly possession is from Him and will return to Him. Innalillahi wainnailaihi raji'un. I just need to remember this. If He says that something isn't meant for me, then I need to chill because everything is under His control. And who's the most suitable to control our life rather than the Creator Himself? Everything is His to begin with and He has a perfect reason of why some things were granted, some things were meant for you only for a short time and some things weren't meant to be yours at all. 

Not being able to figure out things in life undeniably scares me out. But my life will turn out just fine. Things will be better. Inna ma'al 'usri yusra kan? Allah is teaching me something now. He is creating a better version of myself. That, I am certain. Walaupun perjalanan pahit ini terasa lambat, tapi daripada setiap detik yang berlalu perlahan inilah yang lebih buat kita dapat banyak belajar, satu persatu pembelajaran tentang hidup. Each painful second that is gone, is one second closer to being wiser.

InsyaAllah, semoga kehidupan kita semua menjadi lebih baik, dan akan berakhir dengan baik. Mohon doakan :)

Being Whole.

There are too many words dancing in my head right now. I guess this is what happens when you ignore something for so long. It bursts out once you create a space for them. Lels. So harini kita layankan jea lah.

- Stephen King. (picture from Wani Ardy)

I thought I'd delete the previous post because it is so dark and unlike my usual self. To be truthful, I often write my emotional thoughts and delete them later. But yeah, I guess that all the thoughts, no matter how positive or negative they are, are my thoughts. Everything is pure and real at that moment. I know that being who I am, I'd rather portray only the bright side of my life. But I can't deny the presence of those dark moments. Those moments still make up who I am, along with all the good things that come here and then.

I need it as a remembrance of what I've been through, throughout my whole life. No matter how hopeless and vulnerable it seems at that moment, I want to be a witness of my own survival. I want to be able to see the scar later and thank Allah for being there every single second and helping me to go through everything. I want the scar to be a reminder each time, to be thankful to Allah.

I write the most when I am in one of these two states - whether I am in love, or I'm broken. Or both. And what is written depends on which state I am in. I hope that you'll be able to see through the not-so-bright side of mine and accept me in both of those states :)

Poisonous Thought.

I am never good with spoken words. I hate explaining in front of people why I act certain ways - especially the negative ones; why I feel sad, why I feel mad. It feels like admitting something I am not proud of. But my feeling is a disease. Once it is bottled up inside, it unleashes something ugly inside of me. As if my thoughts were poisoned and I have to struggle to control it.

Writing is the cure. Writing is what keeps me sane. Writing is the way I spill everything without the worry of being judged.

But God knows how long have I neglected the need of writing things down, because all this while I forced myself to edit my thesis if I ever feel like writing anything. Sounds like poyo much, but honestly that was what I did. I know that neglecting and not admitting my feelings have its consequences. Now that I have some time for myself, all the bottled up feelings drained my thoughts, wanting my attention so bad. I end up being a very conflicted person inside.

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I wish I can say that things are all good. But they're not. Sometimes I got tired, sometimes I feel like things are getting harder day by day, and sometimes I seriously, seriously feel like giving up. There are times when things are good, and I cherish those little moments. But every other time, life is a fighting battle, and the greatest battle comes from within.

With all these thoughts, I am turning into someone I do not want to be. I have doubts. I wish I were carefree enough to not give a care about my study, to start over my life and do the things I love doing. Effort seems more worthy if you struggle for the things you love. I wish things end soon. I badly want to start over.

Trust me, I myself am disgusted with the negativity that was piled up inside. I just need to write it, so that I could admit that this ugly thought is real, and so that I can deal with it instead of denying it. I want to be better. I really want to be a better person. Seikhlas hati, mohon doakan.