Enough is Enough.

"I lost something that I thought defined me and I felt like a shell of a person. Instead of trying to get back, I had to figure out why I couldn't be whole all by myself." 

– Cecelia Ahern, The Year I Met You

"Often the slow pace of change can be painful, lonely, and confusing, but without us realising it's happening, it happens. We look back and think 'who was that person?' when during it we think 'who am I becoming?' And at what exact point was it that we crossed over that line, when one version of us became the next?  But it is thanks to the slowness that we remember the journey, we reserve the sense of where we were, where we are going and why." 

– Cecelia Ahern, The Year I Met You

I need to stop.

I need to stop whatever harm I am doing to myself. I need to stop letting myself be in this miserable state for another devastating minute. I need to stop these self-loathe, destructive thoughts I am having. I need to stop worrying and feeling worthless. I am better than this. I should know that more than anyone else. It is my life, my body, my mind.

I will not let one toxic person judges me, defines me as a mistake, as a shameful person. I am not a mistake. My life is not a mistake. I am good at something. I am good at things I love. I have a blessed family, and good friends around me. I am worthy of something. I might not be able to figure out my life right now, but that's fine. I will not let you make me continously believe that I am a loser in life. I will make sure that I keep my life on track with Allah's help. I have Allah and I have hope. I hold on to that hope because I know my dependency, my faith on Him is what keeps me going. I know that things aren't easy for me right now, that I am falling apart in some things, but I will not let myself stoop so low and prove you're right about me.

Yes, I admit now that I lost some things that were important to me, and I admit that it is hard to cope at first. I am coping, and I will not give up in life just because some things were taken off from me. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. For the things that are given, and for the things that are lost. Every single of this worldly possession is from Him and will return to Him. Innalillahi wainnailaihi raji'un. I just need to remember this. If He says that something isn't meant for me, then I need to chill because everything is under His control. And who's the most suitable to control our life rather than the Creator Himself? Everything is His to begin with and He has a perfect reason of why some things were granted, some things were meant for you only for a short time and some things weren't meant to be yours at all. 

Not being able to figure out things in life undeniably scares me out. But my life will turn out just fine. Things will be better. Inna ma'al 'usri yusra kan? Allah is teaching me something now. He is creating a better version of myself. That, I am certain. Walaupun perjalanan pahit ini terasa lambat, tapi daripada setiap detik yang berlalu perlahan inilah yang lebih buat kita dapat banyak belajar, satu persatu pembelajaran tentang hidup. Each painful second that is gone, is one second closer to being wiser.

InsyaAllah, semoga kehidupan kita semua menjadi lebih baik, dan akan berakhir dengan baik. Mohon doakan :)