Being Whole.

There are too many words dancing in my head right now. I guess this is what happens when you ignore something for so long. It bursts out once you create a space for them. Lels. So harini kita layankan jea lah.

- Stephen King. (picture from Wani Ardy)

I thought I'd delete the previous post because it is so dark and unlike my usual self. To be truthful, I often write my emotional thoughts and delete them later. But yeah, I guess that all the thoughts, no matter how positive or negative they are, are my thoughts. Everything is pure and real at that moment. I know that being who I am, I'd rather portray only the bright side of my life. But I can't deny the presence of those dark moments. Those moments still make up who I am, along with all the good things that come here and then.

I need it as a remembrance of what I've been through, throughout my whole life. No matter how hopeless and vulnerable it seems at that moment, I want to be a witness of my own survival. I want to be able to see the scar later and thank Allah for being there every single second and helping me to go through everything. I want the scar to be a reminder each time, to be thankful to Allah.

I write the most when I am in one of these two states - whether I am in love, or I'm broken. Or both. And what is written depends on which state I am in. I hope that you'll be able to see through the not-so-bright side of mine and accept me in both of those states :)

Poisonous Thought.

I am never good with spoken words. I hate explaining in front of people why I act certain ways - especially the negative ones; why I feel sad, why I feel mad. It feels like admitting something I am not proud of. But my feeling is a disease. Once it is bottled up inside, it unleashes something ugly inside of me. As if my thoughts were poisoned and I have to struggle to control it.

Writing is the cure. Writing is what keeps me sane. Writing is the way I spill everything without the worry of being judged.

But God knows how long have I neglected the need of writing things down, because all this while I forced myself to edit my thesis if I ever feel like writing anything. Sounds like poyo much, but honestly that was what I did. I know that neglecting and not admitting my feelings have its consequences. Now that I have some time for myself, all the bottled up feelings drained my thoughts, wanting my attention so bad. I end up being a very conflicted person inside.

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I wish I can say that things are all good. But they're not. Sometimes I got tired, sometimes I feel like things are getting harder day by day, and sometimes I seriously, seriously feel like giving up. There are times when things are good, and I cherish those little moments. But every other time, life is a fighting battle, and the greatest battle comes from within.

With all these thoughts, I am turning into someone I do not want to be. I have doubts. I wish I were carefree enough to not give a care about my study, to start over my life and do the things I love doing. Effort seems more worthy if you struggle for the things you love. I wish things end soon. I badly want to start over.

Trust me, I myself am disgusted with the negativity that was piled up inside. I just need to write it, so that I could admit that this ugly thought is real, and so that I can deal with it instead of denying it. I want to be better. I really want to be a better person. Seikhlas hati, mohon doakan.

I'll Take You Home.

Semoga sentiasa dalam jagaan dan peliharaan Allah.

Ini yang aku sering titipkan pada insan-insan yang aku sayang. Alangkah aku ingin menjelaskan betapa itu adalah sebuah doa yang ikhlas untuk kau. Doa yang sepenuh-penuh harapan pada Dia sebab aku memang betul-betul rasa helpless, dan doa itu timbul kerana aku sedar hakikat Allah mengetahui setiap apa yang berlaku terhadap hambaNya, and no matter where you are, He is there. He will always look after you. And I really want to look after you but I can't, but Allah is the most powerful and He knows better what's in your heart. How you really feel inside. Sebuah doa yang timbul sebab aku harap yang dipelihara bukan saja jasad, malah hati, jiwa, dan minda kau.

Dan kalau Allah tunjukkan pada aku yang kau adalah salah satu tujuan aku dihidupkan dan dipanjangkan nyawa di muka bumi ni pun, aku redha. Because you're worth it. Sungguh, definisi cinta yang Allah wujudkan untuk hambaNya ni sebenarnya luas. Cinta yang aku rasa ni, memang cinta yang sungguh-sungguh, cinta yang tahap aku minta Allah pelihara sebab entahlah, I have no exact words to describe how you've changed my life, how you're one of the reason why I am who I am right now.

I wish I could tell you to just go home whenever you tell me you're tired and you want to go home, because a part of me want you here with me as well. A part of me want you to go home, because all I wanted was to hug you ever so tightly and comfort you and tell you that I am right here for you but I can't and I won't. Because I know you're stronger than you think you are. Allah knows that you could endure more than you think you could. I want you to move on, move as long as you can. I'll be right behind you. Kalau Allah percaya kita boleh jadi kuat, kenapa kita tak percaya dengan diri kita sendiri, kan? :)

Allah is teaching you something great. We may not know what is it yet but you are a great person. You are so very special in my eyes. Please, please know that. So I want you to move on. I'll be right here for you biiznillah.


Don't worry about being home. You're home now, here in my heart.