Being Whole.

There are too many words dancing in my head right now. I guess this is what happens when you ignore something for so long. It bursts out once you create a space for them. Lels. So harini kita layankan jea lah.

- Stephen King. (picture from Wani Ardy)

I thought I'd delete the previous post because it is so dark and unlike my usual self. To be truthful, I often write my emotional thoughts and delete them later. But yeah, I guess that all the thoughts, no matter how positive or negative they are, are my thoughts. Everything is pure and real at that moment. I know that being who I am, I'd rather portray only the bright side of my life. But I can't deny the presence of those dark moments. Those moments still make up who I am, along with all the good things that come here and then.

I need it as a remembrance of what I've been through, throughout my whole life. No matter how hopeless and vulnerable it seems at that moment, I want to be a witness of my own survival. I want to be able to see the scar later and thank Allah for being there every single second and helping me to go through everything. I want the scar to be a reminder each time, to be thankful to Allah.

I write the most when I am in one of these two states - whether I am in love, or I'm broken. Or both. And what is written depends on which state I am in. I hope that you'll be able to see through the not-so-bright side of mine and accept me in both of those states :)

Poisonous Thought.

I am never good with spoken words. I hate explaining in front of people why I act certain ways - especially the negative ones; why I feel sad, why I feel mad. It feels like admitting something I am not proud of. But my feeling is a disease. Once it is bottled up inside, it unleashes something ugly inside of me. As if my thoughts were poisoned and I have to struggle to control it.

Writing is the cure. Writing is what keeps me sane. Writing is the way I spill everything without the worry of being judged.

But God knows how long have I neglected the need of writing things down, because all this while I forced myself to edit my thesis if I ever feel like writing anything. Sounds like poyo much, but honestly that was what I did. I know that neglecting and not admitting my feelings have its consequences. Now that I have some time for myself, all the bottled up feelings drained my thoughts, wanting my attention so bad. I end up being a very conflicted person inside.

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I wish I can say that things are all good. But they're not. Sometimes I got tired, sometimes I feel like things are getting harder day by day, and sometimes I seriously, seriously feel like giving up. There are times when things are good, and I cherish those little moments. But every other time, life is a fighting battle, and the greatest battle comes from within.

With all these thoughts, I am turning into someone I do not want to be. I have doubts. I wish I were carefree enough to not give a care about my study, to start over my life and do the things I love doing. Effort seems more worthy if you struggle for the things you love. I wish things end soon. I badly want to start over.

Trust me, I myself am disgusted with the negativity that was piled up inside. I just need to write it, so that I could admit that this ugly thought is real, and so that I can deal with it instead of denying it. I want to be better. I really want to be a better person. Seikhlas hati, mohon doakan.